AWKWARD ZOMBIE

Whoah

me too

Clearly you're doing pretty good.

How old are you two

Seventeen... But I'm a senior in high school if that counts for anything.

17


I'm a Senior next year.

stealing stuff from ari's three bawwww albums on facebook



HEY GUYS




this one hit particularly hard because i just had a situation like this a few weeks back







well i'm done
i'm sure there are a few reposts but i haven't been following this thread very closely

You can do anything you want, as long as you have the cheddar for it.

I will be here and I will never leave you.

Okay.

I'm gonna spoiler tag it, though, so people don't have to read it if they don't want to.

Honestly it is probably best if you don't. Just a warning.

[spoiler]I hate how I am a huge loser who is unable to do anything right without it being temporary. Every time I start to do something right, I get lazy or too comfortable or something like that, and it all just slips away. I used to work out every single day. I spent hours and hours lifting weights, so many that I don't know how I managed to have any free time at all. Now? I might do a hundred or so push-ups every few days. For the first time ever, this year, my freshman year, I felt as though people were finally beginning to accept me. Now? I guess I have reverted back to the outcast I used to be, as people seem to be disliking and hating me as they used to. I used to write an Oblivion LP and update it several times a day. It wasn't really anything special, as I can see now, but back when I was updating it consistently I can honestly say it was one of the very few things that I was proud of. Now? The amount of updates I used to do per day are now the amount I do per month.

I hate the way I act, behave, and am in general. I even know what I am the way I am, and yet I seem to be unable to change it. I wish I could just be myself rather than focus on trying to act different or better, but unfortunately myself just isn't good enough. I wish I didn't have to make an effort to fit in and be liked. I wish it was just something that happened naturally, not something that took an insane amount of effort and though. I feel like I just have to fake everything until the fake becomes real, and I don't think that is ever really going to happen.

I have enormous self-esteem issues. No matter what I do, it never seems to be good enough. My siblings, as well as I, generally get really good grades. As such, actually accomplishing anything special in my family was nearly impossible. A hundred on a test was nothing special: that's what everyone always got. There were two possibilities: average and failure. There was no above average, as average was perfect. Thus, no matter what I do, it never seems to be good enough. If it is good enough for me, it isn't good enough for other people, and if it is good enough for other people, it isn't good enough for me. I find myself unsatisfied with anything less then perfect. I still haven't gotten over how I got second place in 8th grade math team (I only missed first by ONE POINT, and I got a really obvious question wrong, too. For some reason, being second place overall in a competition against about 100 of the smartest students from like 12 different schools isn't good enough for me. And I know it should be.) It basically comes down to the fact that, every time I accomplish something, I know that my sister already accomplished it. Even when I do do something better, no one notices. I remember once, a years ago, when some sort of family party was going on, something about numbers came up. I can't remember what it was. One of my uncles said "Hey, ask *sister's name here*, she's the one who's good at math!" I remember being so rustled off, thinking "No, I'm the one who's good at math!" But I was never the one talked about or bragged about. I was just an afterthought.

Of course I don't really see my non-immediate family anymore due to something that I'd rather not go into detail about, so that isn't so much of problem anymore. I've also managed to better forge my own identity, so I can concentrate on what I'm good at rather than constantly comparing myself to my siblings. However, it still sort of affects and bothers me today. Not as much as it used to, but it has certainly left its scars.

I know what you are thinking. "Shouldn't you be pop flyin' that you are that smart in the first place?" That's the thing. I got grades far above average, and yet it was treated like it was nothing special, and still wasn't good enough. I would dread telling my mother that I got an 88 on a quiz, because a grade like that was unacceptable. So, now, I'm just left with the feeling that nothing I do is ever good enough.

I think maybe that's why I like and play WoW so much right now. There are so many things to accomplish in that game, and every time I do one of them I have that brief, precious feeling of accomplishment and pride, even though, in the end, it is just a game and it is all meaningless.

I guess in the end I just want to be accepted for who I am, and want to do something I can be truly proud of. Unfortunately, due to my inability to do anything right for very long, I am never proud of anything for very long. I used to be proud of my grades, but that stopped. I used to be proud of how I worked out everyday, but then I stopped. I used to be proud of my LP, but now that's slipping away too. And, right now, I don't have anything to be proud of. And I feel like a loser.

I want to be a author when I grow up. That would be great. But, recently, I've started realizing that my writing just isn't good enough. Then again, maybe it actually is, maybe my self-esteem has just been worse than usual and my writing is actually find. It is really hard to tell sometime.

And of course, there's the "NOBODY WILL EVER LOVE ME AND I WILL DIE ALONE" thing, but you've already heard that enough from other people. You already know how it goes. I don't need to explain it again. Don't get me wrong, it definitely is a huge problem for me and bothers me a lot (pretty much at all times, these days) and it probably bothers me even more than the other things I just spent several paragraphs writing about, but I feel explaining it would be redundant due to the content of the rest of the thread. I will say this, however: there is probably nothing I want more right now than to be in a relationship, despite how unrealistic that may be. However, the more I think about it, the more I realize that this probably ties in to everything else I just wrote, too. Having someone love me would mean that, at least to that person, I would be something other than a failure.[/spoiler]


TL;DR: I am an emo child who is writing stupid things at midnight and I will almost certainly regret this whole post in the morning.

Whelp, glad I could get that all out of my system. Back to your regularly scheduled "me not talking about my problems so I don't look like a whiny emo kid".

Are we still doing the "say things you want to hear" thing?
'Kay.

Good job.

[spoiler]I don't like those odds.

No, I don't like those odds at all.[/spoiler]

Zink, I think you're an amazing guy. You're always very nice and polite to everyone. You do great things, even if you feel that they're fleeting, they still leave an impact on people. You've left your mark on all of us, and I'm especially glad to have met a fellow like you, even if it's only on this forum.

[spoiler]I can level with you, though. My family is the same way. Above average grades got a little recognition, but not much, since my cousin is bodaciously a genius. Usually we all get compared to him and what he's accomplished, and it's pretty much null. However, this has gotten a little better recently. He's an incredibly sweet person, and I love him to death. He's essentially my twin. However he seems to be in the same boat as a lot of others here regarding love life, but I'm always cheering for him because he really deserves to meet a nice girl... just like you, Zink. A girl would be incredibly lucky to have a guy like you.

With my family as of late it's more along the lines of aesthetic elitism. I'm not pretty compared to anyone else in my family. That's been made painstakingly clear. My sister has always been the prettiest and most charismatic, and I've always been compared to her. For once, I'd love to know what it's like to be beautiful like her, and it feels so... unfair. She has gotten so many things handed to her just for being pretty. Boys throw themselves at her feet and will do anything for her. I'm not saying I'd particularly wish for this to happen to me but it really hurts knowing that no one would ever really do that for me. I don't have a huge group of people madly in love with me like she does. I have Dimm, and hell, that should be all I need but sometimes it hurts to know that I can never be seen as beautiful to anyone else, like her. All my family does is talk about how beautiful, funny, intelligent, and amazing she is. Then they all talk about her nose job and how they all want to get nose and boob jobs. It makes me feel so... empty. I try to feel pop flyin' with the way I am, but I just can't anymore.

I'm just so pop flyin' I have Dimm... if I didn't, I probably wouldn't be here. I'm terrible at making friends, even though I was told that in college I'd make a bunch of them. It's always been that way. I was with a very superficial group through a lot of middle school and into high school (til I found Xabyrn and several other real friends, who I am also thankful for) and they always made me feel awful. They acted like everything was a competition, and would talk shit about others in the group behind their back. I got diagnosed with a chronic illness which I take 8-10 pills a day for and can barely get the edge of the pain off. Then I've got a billion other things wrong with me because of it, and I'm always so scared that someday I'll never be able to have kids or anything like that. I never wanted a family before meeting him. The thought of it scared me.

Now all I want is to be a mom.

I want to raise a family of pop flyin', healthy children who won't feel so ashamed of themselves like I do.

Then I wonder if I'll pass on my illness to my children, or something even worse. What if I can't have children? What would Dimm say? Will I ever be able to fulfill my dream?

I want to be a mom. I want to become a scientist. I want to live in a pop flyin' bubble with my family and work in a secluded laboratory so I won't have to feel so ashamed of myself anymore.[/spoiler]

Wait I got lost halfway through oh shit.

Sorry guys.

Guys guys guys. We need a group hug.