AWKWARD ZOMBIE

Maurice Sendak died this morning. :,C

So when I have a really long test like an AP exam or finals I tend to let my mind wander during off times (times when I'm not actively focused on the test or I'm done with it)

Whoops I thought about my ex

whoops i remembered how great she was

whoops why am i crying on the inside

apparently the studio that developed Pure and Split/Second, Blackrock, was set to start work on a remake of Crazy Taxi. My fav developer making on an hd remix of my fav series? Oh, be still my beating heart. Of course, once disney pulled the plug on Blackrock, all their projects went too. So much wasted potential. Screw you disney, from here on in i'm not going to disneyland unless someone sneaks me in.

music affects me so deeply and i'm worried i'm invisible

i don't know if i'm writing is real

Goddamnit, I feel like such a shit head at the moment. I feel like I lose a part of me and I can't snap out of this depression... sure I get distracted by other things for a while, but then it just crawls back in and... Goddamn... I can consciously feel my heart and it does not feel right... I just want to crawl into a hole and be buried alive.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJEP5sWuDi8

forgive the shitty video itself

This song reminds me of my father and how much of a hypocrite I am when it comes to him.

My father was a former drug addict who emotional abused my mom and I. It wasn't like the stuff you would see on TV but everything he would say to me would be some sort of back handed insult that would bring me down. My parents constantly argued and sometimes brought me into the middle of it to try and get me to take a side, which spiraled me into a depression that lead me to cut myself and eventually try and commit suicide. I always figured if I was out of the equation, they could try again and probably have a kid who wasn't gay and a fuck up (it took me a long time to not hate myself for being gay).

After the divorce, I missed my father because I wanted to have a father figure in my life. When I was little, he was replaced with Mufasa because of how much I wanted a relationship with my father and I was jealous of how wonderful he was. I still want the love and approval of my father because he is my father and I love him but, I continually push him away and avoid him because I'm still hurt by the past and how rocky my family was.

I still haven't come out of the closet to my father because I fear I'm going to lose him again. I want him to be around for my children and for all the events in the future but, I don't know how long he has left. He was diagnosed with some form of diabetes (I don't know if it's type 1 or 2, I've mentally shut down that fact because I'm still somewhat in denial of the fact) and he has severe depression that almost killed him when I was six. He told me I might have to be the man of the house and that day still haunts me.

He would always sing that song in the car when it would come on and I would emotionally shut down because of the lyrics. Because I felt like he was never there. I'm still working on building the bridges to him again. I'll always love him and I just want to have a father to tell me how to be a father, even though he wasn't the perfect one when I was younger he was still the man I looked up too.

Carroll Shelby died.
He was the man who brought us the shelby cobra, Ford mustang GT500, and many more.
For gearheads, we have lost a legend.
The one good thing is that he lived long enough to have his dream car built: the GT1000 mustang.

My fish died. I had it for 5 years...

:'[

i recently cut off all contact from a long time friend and it just

feels really weird

im sort of ambivalent about it but its just very strange feeling

Cut off for a good reason I hope.

I'm to stupid to read books and that makes me sad sometimes.

Like especially after people blog about their book collections and I realise 99% of my bookcase is filled comics and picture books.

Nothing wrong with that. I also mostly have comics and wouldn't consider myself stupid. There just aren't many books I like as opposed to comics.

With comics, even if the story is bad, so long as the art is good the purchase hasn't been wasted.

I don't know why, but for some reason coming home with everyone asleep makes me feel really depressed. And then the never-touched bowl of dinner sitting on the counter, made for the man who wouldn't be home for it. Why do I feel so shitty...

Yeah, it's family.

I guess the issue is that I feel like I'm letting them down somehow. Like, "Welp, he's not back yet, better pack up..." And the way the light was left on for me to come back to sort of exacerbated the depressing feeling.