AWKWARD ZOMBIE

I need to redo my year and now I know nobody in my classes.

Is anyone in your new class pretty though?

It rained yesterday. One of my closest friends was biking and hydroplaned. He crashed into a wall and his face got really scraped up to the point where he can't see too well.

I just found out about this half an hour ago, from the dorm's resident douchebag.

The fuckhat everyone hates heard about it before me. My friend has my phone number. As soon as he was conscious in the hospital he sent texts and pics to nearly everyone. Except me.

not sure how to feel but devalued seems pretty close

First thing my dad does when he gets back from a job site (a/v installer/programmer tech) is rail on me for not having applied for any jobs this week, and then adds on that I haven't gotten my truck inspected or the "check engine" light looked at and then starts getting on my case about playing games all the time and sleeping in because I stay up all night.

And the part that makes me sad is that he's right. I'm wasting my life away and I can't.. rather, won't do anything about it. I'm too fucking apathetic, too complacent, too something to do anything else and I want to break it. Too bad I don't know how to fight apathy.

You fight it by actually doing stuff. Is there something that needs to be done? Then do this as the first thing in your day. If you're not feeling like it or you want to do it later, don't. Kick yourself in the butt and do it, even if you'd rather be doing something entirely else.
Make a list, maybe. Wake up at a good time in the morning, eat breakfast, start things. You want to apply for a job? Find the time in your day to do so, look trough newspapers or online if anyone is hiring for one hour each day. Or go to town directly, go to stores with your resume at hand and ask if they are hiring, or if they have an open spot, or if you even can get some internship. If they are full, ask if you can leave your resume with them, so they can call you whenever they need a hand.
Doing everything at once can burn you out, do things slowly and step for step, one thing at a time. If you have a grip on your new routine, you could try to change the 'deal', for example you can play video games for one hour, if you spent one hour doing actual stuff.
Maybe clean up your room, or house, make dinner. Getting things done and seeing the results is actually essential for humans, even if it's as silly as cleaning the toilet or making muffins. Maybe go on a walk each day for 15 minutes, get some fresh air.

It's rather simple once you've figured out things, but you should start first with things which need to be done before you look for replacements, problems won't go away unless you work on them.

I have an intense fear of actually saying out loud that someone is my friend, even if they tell me we are directly, and even online.

Even if they aren't around and can't hear me, I'm afraid it will get back to them somehow and then they won't want to be around me anymore at all. Even if people do tell me we're friends, I'm afraid of then admitting it in front of others. Until about twelve, the only "friends" I had were ones that would beat me up in groups and belittle me in front of others to gain popularity, then comfort me after and convince me it was for the best, rinse/repeat. I'm so afraid that people I feel close to don't care about me as much as I care about them, and that if I do let anyone else know we're friends, they'll hurt me for it to avoid looking too close to me.

It hurts really bad, because the coworker I feel like I'm good friends with that I trade stupid notes with at work lives at the same apartment complex as me, but I'm too afraid to ask more openly if she would like to hang out and her and our former coworker (who is her roommate) are a little too insistent in teasing that they'll never tell me where they live specifically and that I can't follow them home for me to think it's really teasing and not them trying to keep me from getting too close to them. I'm so scared of continuing to try to be friendly, because I'd rather stop at "friendly coworkers" than be denied even that little bit of social interaction.

My whole life has trained me that if i don't have an external reason (work, or a task or service to be performed, or a class I must attend), I can't and shouldn't be around people because I'm just not worth the investment. Even online it took a long time for me to get the courage to speak out loud consistently while playing DnD with my best friend's friend circle, for example, because I felt like I didn't have a good enough reason to exist near them. Even though I know(?) that they're my friends now, too, I feel like I can't speak to them unless they speak to me first because they need something from me. I go no where, and see no one, every single day. Unless I'm dating someone or in the pre-dating phase with someone, I see people for "no reason"... probably never. For marginal reasons, like my birthday or a holiday where I've invited people over for a meal or something, I might see others a few times a year if it's a busy year.

The forum is basically the only place I've actually felt like people might like me to be around, but even with how amazing and great and kind everybody is to me I'm sometimes secretly afraid that it's only because I draw and rendered the service of filling requests-- because I have an external reason to exist here beyond "because I want to." When I stopped having time to fill so many requests I was actually scared to post too much because I thought people might not want me here unless I had something to pay them with. I can't even comfortably admit out loud that I know it can't possibly be logically true, because it implies too much inherent worth in me, yet at the same time I feel wretched that it belittles all the ways people here have gone out of their way to let me know I'm liked.

The weird thing is that I actually like myself when no one is around and I'm calm enough to rationally think about the things that are likeable about me.

But I feel that if I don't believe there must be some unspoken thing wrong with me, then I have to really, seriously accept that almost everybody in my life until the last few years or so has been/was abusing me for no reason, and how much they really broke me inside.

EDIT: I'm really not trying to elicit any kind of response, here. I was just exhausted when I got home from work and this was on my mind for various reasons, and I guess this seemed like a good place to share. I'm not in danger of hurting myself or anything at all like that, this is just all a part of a lot of stuff I've been fighting to get over for most of my life and having difficulty escaping from entirely. It's a lot, lot, LOT better now than it was even a few years ago, though, and I don't want anybody to worry that I'm in danger of drowning in this or like I need to be babied. I mean if people do feel badly about this I appreciate the concern but like... the fact that everybody has been so nice to me just because they feel like it, like, because they want to and not because they feel like they need to keep me afloat or like they're obligated, that's just... super, super amazing. And so I don't want anyone who might worry to think that like, they need to do anything they weren't already doing, this has always been a thing with me and it's getting easier every day. I guess people who end up reading this just know an extra thing about me now basically.

I think the hot girl ratio has significantly improved over last year, so there's that.

Today sucked

I got to drama club early and this one really obnoxious guy sat right by me before my friends got there, so they sat a row forward and I couldn't hear a word they were saying and the obnoxious kid kept talking over everyone with a shitty 'English' accent and dumb throat noises.
My ex wouldn't have spoken to me anyway, I've been getting the impression that I'm just a bother to my other friend there, and they both spent the entire time talking to a different friend who I don't really know very well

so I felt ignored the whole time, had to deal with the annoying dude, and came home even more certain that all of my friends (not just my ex, who has outright told me (and is also an asshole about it now)) don't really care whether or not I'm around.

fuck everything

idk if im heartless or it just hasn't hit me yet or what

Augh my everything is sore, it feels like someone was trying to rip my limbs off in my sleep

Edit to avoid double postan:
Do you ever just have these moments where you're sitting around and everything's normal, when suddenly you get hit right in the feels? It just snuck up on me for no reason and now I can't stop thinking of sad things. Sigh. Hopefully I'll feel better soon.

Well that went bad, and now I'm in a really awful situation too.

I really want to talk to one of my friends about something going on in their life but they haven't been talking about it (I think they're avoiding the subject) so there's no opportunity to bring it up, and meanwhile they could be suffering and I can't help them because I haven't had the chance.

just found out the sewing machine i really like is nearly £800

: (

Didn't you drop out of your sewing courses?

I'm glad you're finding something you can enjoy, though.