AWKWARD ZOMBIE

Whomp, whomp, whomp...


A termite walks into the bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"

There once was a king who lived in two-story grass hut. Every holiday the king demanded to be given a new throne as a gift. As soon as a new throne arrived, he would store the old throne on the second level of his hut and use the new one instead. But one day the hut collapsed from the weight of all the thrones, and everyone was crushed and killed.

The moral of this story? Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

Nickelback.

D'ohohohohoho

What a kneeslapper

ahahah man these are pretty fu-




:'C

[spoiler]Women's rights[/spoiler]

That barely even makes any sense.

This bloke always wanted to be in the circus, so when it was in town he went to see the man who booked the acts.

Walks in, tells him he's wanted to be in the circus all his life, so the booker asks him what his act is.

The bloke says "well, my act is this; I ask the strongest man to come to me, and when I bend over, I tell him to bash me hard on the head with a big hammer".

Booker thinks he's just pulling his plonker, and tells him to get out.

Year later, and the circus is in town again. Once again, the booker is cornered by the man, and says he has 5 minutes to tell him his act. And again the man explains that he'll ask for the strongest man to hit him on the head, as hard as he can, with a big hammer.

Booker gets angry and tells him to bugger off and stop wasting his time.

Another year later, the circus rolls into town, and barely before the big tent is up the same man grabs the booker and begs him for another chance.

As usual, he explains his act is to ask the strongest man to come over, and hit him hard as he can on the head.

By now the booker is furious, and to spite the man calls in the strongest man and tells him to bring a big hammer.

Delighted to be given the chance to show his act, the man bends over and says "hit me! Hard as you can!". The strongest man looks at the booker, the booker nods, so the strongest man hits the man as hard as he can on the head, with the hammer.

The man's head virtually explodes. Bits of skull and brain and blood all over the place. Starting to panic, the booker calls an ambulance, and before long the man is rushed to hospital.

6 months later and the man finally regains conciousness. Feeling terribly guilty, the booker goes to see him in hospital.

At his bed he sits quietly, until suddenly the man half opens his eyes, then beckons the booker to come closer.

The booker comes closer, and the man beckons him even closer, so the booker's ear is close to the man's mouth.

When he's close enough, the man with considerable effort, says "da dahhhhhhhh....."

A tourist was visiting a small Russian town on the recommendation of one of his friends; he was there to see a mental hospital for birds. When he arrived he was greeted by the only man in the hospital who spoke any English. Even he was a little rusty, however, but still understandable.

The man began showing the tourist around the facility, explaining that they had to keep all the different kinds of birds in different wards so they didn't start fighting amongst themselves.

"This is robin ward," he would say, for example, or "This is falcon ward."

Towards the end of the tour they came to the hummingbird ward where they came upon one of the nurses trying to shove one of the "inmates" down his pants. The tour guide quickly stopped the man and sent him home, after which the guide and the tourist quickly kept going.

After walking in silence for a few minutes, the man turned to the tourist and said, "This is auk ward."

"You can say that again."

So this guy walks into a bar, right?



Ouch

What did the Hinduist write in their suicide note?
[spoiler]Be right back.[/spoiler]

I came up with that aaaaalll by myself.
I miss the Pick Up Lines thread.

No, I got the joke, I was just remarking how it was an awfully long stretch.

inb4that'swhatshesaid.

I heard once there was a serial killer who liked to torture his victims by stabbing them with dozens of push-pins. Seems kind of tacky to me.


Ed Gein made clothing from parts of his victims. I wonder if he had a nice coat of arms.


A man was very close to being killed in a hair product store. It's lucky he only had a brush with death.


The woman was killed with a shoe. I doubt the killer is straight-laced.


The victim was killed while unlocking his door. I have a feeling that is the key to this case.