AWKWARD ZOMBIE

And you fart. A lot.

My mom was a massage therapist and she says she got to where she had some kind of scented thing in the area just incase it's noxious because it happened almost every time she gave a massage.

I'm kind of worried about my hair. I have a pretty prominent receding hairline. Hopefully it'll get covered up when it grows out.

I painted my nails during the tinychat last night and that was a lot of bullshit to try and get looking nice. But it was fun and I picked a really cute color! Plus I got a few of them looking nice, so I am going to say I got a sold C+ at girl last night.

Marcy is a dimepiece.
Nobody can disagree.

I feel like a fucking fake. People keep telling me stories about how transgendered people are persecuted and it doesn't really scare me. That doesn't make me feel brave, it makes me feel like I don't care. Like I'm just subconsciously doing this to feel special or whatever. I can't relate to extreme dysphoria and thoughts or suicide over my gender identity. I feel like I'm lying and don't even realize it myself. And that makes me feel like a piece of shit when I just second guess myself all the time and feel like I want to be a woman, but then there's always a piece of me that wonders if I'm not actually. I feel like nothing. I feel like I'm a complete phony. I haven't wanted to be female since I was a kid, either. I feel like nothing about me is real. Like that nobody has ever seen what I really am because I'm just a plastic piece of shit that molds to whatever someone wants me to be. I'm not a person, I'm a fucking Barbie doll with interchangeable fake fucking emotions for the world to play with. I don't actually feel anything or have complex emotions. I'm nothing.

Dude.

You're not some friggin' fictional character just because you're not fucked up about it.

You know the qualifications of being transgender?

being born as one gender but identifying as the other.

that.

is.

it.

there is NO further requirements, and saying "i don't have extreme dysphoria or thoughts of suicide" like it's a bad thing is absolutely awful. Don't be mad at yourself because you're "Not transgender enough", because there's no such thing.

Being gay makes me feel things kinda similar to you. The most I've gotten from coming out as gay was like one person who acted leery like me saying it to a group of friends meant I was going to eventually put the moves on him. While I still haven't come out to my family I do think, at worst I'll never hear the end of it or dad will be a complete booty about this being the "final disappointment" I've hardly faced direct criticism of my sexuality (at least none that was taken personally, ie, people saying in general gays are amoral or whatever), and I don't worry about my quality of life being in danger because of who I am. It feels strange given how people have struggled in the past and still struggle with this discrimination and despite being among their ranks I'm not experiencing the same problems.

However this is not something to feel guilty about. Everyone's situation is different. There is no benchmark of suffering you have to go through to be yourself, and the fact that you aren't suffering is, in part, an example of how far things have come. That you can feel comfortable being you even if it doesn't fit in the societal expected norm, or even the perceived norm of your group. It's a bit shitty if the trans* community is making you feel unwelcome or fake because of their viewpoint of being trans*, but I think this is a way for your brain to feel out the situation.

You're a bit scared. This is all new, it might be the fastest and most major shift in your life, and awful feelings of doubt are going to creep up over whether you are who you say you are. Self-reflection is needed at these times no matter how hard or scary it is. You have to look at how much progress you've made and say "where do I want to go from here?"

You can do it Katie. I believe in you.



good vibes music

Second time painting my fingernails and first time painting my toenails today! No pictures of the latter though because ew feet. Gross.

Also the left side looks decent but the right side looks like booty since my left hand is my non-dominant.

But that's why we practice~

for next time you want nails that leave people speechless
Just kidding, obviously. Looks great! Maybe go for some of the more ~advanced~ colors and techniques for next time! Like colorfades and glitter and stuff.

gosh ladies get to have all the fun with makeup and stuff.

I think I'll just get good at the basics before I do something more complex, haha. Seriously, it doesn't look as good in person as the picture makes it out to be.

Although I think I'm starting to figure some stuff out for next time!

Also how cute is that color, god daisies. I love it.

We can always do your nails too, who says girls can have all the fun to themselves?

And Katie, it looks good, but always be sure to thin your paints!



Actually I don't know if that really applies to nail polish since it seems to be alcohol based? I just wanted to make this joke.

Yeah, there are nail polish thinners, but there's other ways to declump nail polish that are less expensive.

Plus my bottle is brand new, so there's no need for it anyways, haha.

And now I'm making your silver pants blue. Been so long since I saw that movie I can't remember the line.

I've never touched make-up and never plan to, so you're doing a helluva lot better than me (ovo)b

I dunno, something about the stuff just makes me super uncomfortable. I don't even like touching the bottles/containers/whatever, it makes me feel gross. I have no idea why.