AWKWARD ZOMBIE

I love trading crazy tabletop stories. Here's one from my archives.

So we were playing a game of GURPS, doing the setting with ISWAT (basically dimension-hopping secret agents). I think it's called Uncharted Worlds? I forget.

Anyway. We were assigned to some planet to find the location of a rogue ISWAT agent. One of our PCs was Portia, a clone of a famous singer from a century ago, who now runs her own religion called "The Church of So Divine." It's about "bringing out your inner goddess" and being a fashionista and stuff. She was also played by a guy (and honestly, he did a good job role playing her).

So in looking for this agent, we run into another agent who used to be his handle on this planet. We suspect she isn't telling us everything, but Portia, she goes the extra mile. She rigs up an old car with tons of explosives, then calls this agent late at night, asking to meet her by an old warehouse. She gets the woman to get in the car, and then locks the car and runs away. She then proceeds to remote control the car onto the highway, and begins driving over 100 mph.

While hurtling down the road, Portia speaks (in a poorly disguised voice) over the radio, asking for info, all while threatening that the car will explode if it hits anything or slows down. This woman CRITICALLY FAILS her will save, and basically just faints the instant all of this starts. Portia drives the car back and takes the woman home, but the car will see another day.

A few days later, we're trying to get info out of the leader of a local environmental group. Portia leads him out to the car. The plan was to use the same tactic. But we had recently had a new player join us, and his character was a explosives expert. Portia decided to give him the controls to the car. Rather than drive the car everywhere, he just blew it up, directly outside the environmental agency. BOOM. Now Portia, the head of a local religion, is implicated in a terrorist bombing and assassination of an environmental leader. Fun times were had dealing with these circumstances.

The best part was the name of the car: Professor Janky's Explodalicious Car Ride.

I know that feel.
at a party for the GSA back in october someone brought in Munchkin Cthulhu and it srsly took the whole fucking party to go through two games.

Today our adventuring party finally got back into town and after being described as parting the crowd like a sea because of our stench (dungeon crawl with plenty of juicy undead + swamp right after) we hit the inn. The resident bard, who's a girl by the way, made a bet with our dragonborn fighter she could seduce a tavern wench stink and all.

The bet is accepted and she successfully does so with a 37 Diplomacy. Thing is though, she didn't seduce the young maiden for herself though. Oh no, she directed her at our warforged wizard. For those who don't know, warforged are intelligent androgynous machines. Cue him fleeing the inn to go hunt down information, leaving a distraught wench who runs out crying.

That wasn't the end of our torment of his player though. No matter where the party went in the city after that the DM made sure to mention happening upon the crying bar wench and her fleeing again. Add onto that all the innuendo flying about and it was a hilarious time for all. Except the warforged.

Dude Warforged, man

I love Warforged

I have a level 20 Warforged Wizard in a campaign Scoot runs, even though he's androgynous he identifies as male so he sticks a staff of python on his crotch

I should tell more DnD and W40K stories in this thread

So, I'm DMing a 3.5 D&D campaign, and this just happened. The party is at a wharf helping some sailors fight off an invasion of dragon-sharks. These sharks have black dragon heritage a few generations back (So I gave them reduced the half-dragon bonuses and such).
Anyways, the first wave, a lone shargon, as I'm calling them, comes up and starts gliding over the pier they're on. They all get their opportunity to attack it. I gave it an AC of 16, a bit on the high side for a level 4 party, but not insane, right?
The fighter tries to use handle animal to force it down on the ground, because it can only glide or swim, it'll be helpless. He makes a valiant effort, but to no avail.
The cleric just shoots at it with a crossbow and misses.
The bard managed to get a "Harpoon gun" which is just a large heavy crossbow. She missed.
The monk attacks with a quarter staff, and misses both times, once just by one point.
The psion winds up using a mindthrust, which is a good attack for a single opponent. Better yet, he doesn't have to roll to hit, the enemy just has to make a will save. And what kind of will bonus does a shark have, anyways? not much. The shark rolled a natural 20.

Finally, I said 'screw it' an had the sailors shoot a couple volleys at the shark; because no one was touching the dang thing. Three shots, one with a light crossbow, one heavy, and one Harpoon. The heavy misses. The light got a critical. The harpoon? Natural 20. I also play by the "Roll a 1 or 20, roll again for special outcome" houserule, so I had to roll them again. Result? 20. next try was only a 4, but still.
The shark got a friggin' harpoon to the face and dropped dead.
Moral of the story: DMs are allowed to cheat, but sometimes you should cheat to cut back, even when the party needs the help. I just hope the next waves go better than that.

If we ever do do an AZ role-playing type game again, I'd be interested in joining.

DM is running a nonsensical Christmas adventure today. We've encountered Nazi goblins who kidnapped Santa to North Africa desert. When we went there, we found Nazis and a sand drake. The drake gets yanked into the air above three Nazis by the wizard and I see my chance. Also we are riding chocobo mounts.

I announce my intention to perform the Yoshi Maneuver and roll. Chocobo runs and makes its jump, Rindle my paladin rolls and botches his jump so he flops around on the saddle, then burns an action point to attack and successfully smacks the drake in the face with over forty combined damage, at which point the drake drops and squishes the Nazis. It then uses its encounter power to perform three attacks twice, meaning six attacks all aimed at the paladin riding the chocobo backwards. They all miss.

So my party is running an evil campaign and we get an opportunity to get ourselves a keep. We just have to clear it out of its undead population, plague, and left over constructs of the previous owner. luckily we find a large starmetal deposit, and one of us has a high enough craft skill to make unrefined starmetal weapons. Funny thing i didn't know at the time, unrefined starmetal explodes in positive energy on a crit. I just so happen to use dual rapiers with scabbards of keen edge. I somehow avoided the inevitable until we got to the throne room. There set in the high chair is a large gem, first thing we do? pry it out with a knife. This ends up releasing the plague demon that was responsible for the collapse of the kingdom that was centered around this keep.
the DM is pretty pop flyin' we did this and grabs our rouge. the rouge rolls a fortitude save, natural 20, and confirms a critical save. he actually pushes the disease the demon tried to put into him back into the monster. our rouge is still pretty stuck though and while the rest of us are hiding around the corner the demon can't help but monologue. He gets around to saying how weak mortals are and asks how we could ever hope to hurt him? I decide to now jump from around the corner and swing with my rapiers shouting "with these"! of course now I roll an 18 and confirm the crit. My rapiers explode, not only damaging the demon but also setting off the 6 or so knives of starmetal our rouge had on him turning the room into a positive energy nuke. we get thrown into the wall nearly die from the impact but are healed so fast it doesn't matter. the demon gets wiped out completely, at which point the Dm just sits back stunned. this was supposed to be the campaigns recurring villain and we killed him in a handful of rounds. the look on his face was priceless

Things Robert of the Exquisite Trousers, level 1 bard, does in a single session:

- Hide so well he becomes invisible;
- Convince the 2 Orcs guards he's the invisible Lord Tharos the Terrible;
- Make said guards drop everything they have, run away and worship him through strength, honor, drinks and good music;
- Get the entire party into an Orc stronghold as if they're expected;
- Get an audience with the, level 6 Rogue, Mages Guild emmisary;
- Have her tied up even though she's supposed to be uncatchable;
- Cut her throat;
- Piss off the DM for killing characters that he crafted backstories for.

Person A: "I roll for attack"
*rolls a three*
DM: "You rolled a three..."
Person A: "I...cast illusion..."
Person B: "You only get one action dude!"
Person A: "Not on the imps *Person B*!"
DM: "On what then?"
Person A: "......the roll I just did?"
Person B: "What?"
Person A: "I cast illusion on the roll I just did to look like a 20..."
*staring contest for what feels like 5 minutes*
DM: "...I'll allow this..."
*rolls a 20*
DM: "Illusion spell is successful, I am successfully tricked into thinking your last roll was actually a 20, and now have to tell you that the imps you just attacked are now dead..."
Person B: "You cannot be serious..."
Me: "So wait...the imps are dead, or no...are they like...legit dead or just...pretend dead?"
Person D: "Of course they're dead, he rolled a fucken 20 when he attacked them!"

Person D got me.

Tell me friends, have you ever heard of the P.O.R.G.?

P.O.R.G. stands for Peasant Operated RailGun and is really simple to use.
First you get a lot of peasants. I mean a lot, as many as you can get. 100 is a decent number, higher is preferable, but we'll use this for our example. Now then you take all these peasants to a problem you don't like. You line them up in a single file line, so that on end is pointing at the problem. Now, give the peasant on the other end a pig. You may use other objects at your discretion. Now have all the peasants delay their turn so that they go in order, pigholder first, so this can all happen in one round. The pigholder will hand the pig to the guy next to him. That guy will take the pig and hand it to the next guy in line. So on and so forth until the last person gets the pig in the same round. When the last person gets the pig have him try to give it to your problem.
Congratulations, you just gave him a pig at a speed of 56.8 MPH.

Yeah I have

I kind of want to try it but I feel like it'd be forced at this point

So, been playing Rogue Trader. First character was an Arch Militant, nothing fancy. Blew a guy in two trying to capture a wanted renegade governor that got possessed by a demon. The renegade guy got turned into pulp by our flyer when he bolted.

Second game was tonight, rolled a Void Master Han Solo type that was a really good shot with not great weapons. Me, my buddy another Void Master, and a Tech Priest all got blackmailed into helping an investigation. Ended up going deep under the planet where, we assume so far, a Dark Mechanicus collective is experimenting with tyranid/genestealer human hybrids. Blew one apart and got attacked by another. Techpriest nearly got arm bitten off but we are alive so far.

FUN TIMES.

So, you shot first?