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As stupid as this day may be, let us not forget the best pirate to ever live, Katherine Chandler Tiedrich XIV.
She was born to wealthy Russian aristocrats in 1823, where she was trained in swordsmanship, honor, and how to play the accordion. Not long after, however, her family's prized diamond mine collapsed and plunged into bankruptcy. Stricken by poverty and in fear of being sold to the circus, Katie ran away from home at age nine and joined a ragtag crew of bloodthirsty pirates.
During the next twenty years, Katie circumnavigated the Earth and discovered Atlantis, which she sunk out of contempt. She also discovered Australia, but left almost immediately because the whole continent sucked and boomerangs are no good for plunder. While on her travels, she founded the city of Rome and carved Switzerland out of a meteorite, depositing it between Italy and France, just to keep an eye on them.
This one time, off the coast of Iceland, while fighting a kraken one-on-one with nothing but a steak knife to defend herself, Katie accidentally opened a rift in time and space when casting Firaga. She was flung thousands of years into the future (300,000 A.D., to be exact), when horrible insect mutants ruled the Earth. Calling themselves the Uurek'han, these titans had blocked out the sun with an organic smog, reterraforming the planet to their dank preference. Here Katie started an underground resistance movement, populated by the last remaining humans and a couple of dogs, who could talk by then. They fought in harsh conditions against impossible odds for years, and in one struggle Katie lost her right hand to a giant robotic praying mantis. It was okay though, because she is lefthanded anyway.
Many centuries and brutal clashes later, the small armada finally defeated the Uurek'han, destroying their smog machines and sending them back into the deepest reaches of space from whence they came. Katie lived in the future for a few more months, supervising the reconstruction of society and making sure France was never rebuilt. Her duty completed, Katie returned to the present by punching the ground so hard the shockwaves made the Earth's core spin backwards at over nine thousand RPM.
Reunited with her crew, Katie continued her original quest of piracy. After stealing everything of worth in Europe and western Africa, she hung up her silly pirate hat for a brief hiatus and trained under a waterfall or in a Denny's parking lot (this part is kind of fuzzy), then joined a clan of Arabian stragglers in the harsh deserts of Scotland. Here she slayed countless dragons who happened to be terrorizing the land.
Satisfied with her work, Katie returned to her home in the center of the Earth, where she has lived to this day. She now draws crappy comics by day and fights the Justice League by night.
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 Lordy wrote: i also fear you Rinoko wrote: You old saggy titted witch
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Wait. I'm supposed to move? I thought these teleported me.
