AWKWARD ZOMBIE

I made my family worry about me needlessly.

I quit my job.

Mom called and made me all guilty for not driving up to their house for Thanksgiving.

Sorry for hanging out with a family that respects me and doesn't belittle me at every turn, I guess

But now I'm sitting here thinking that maybe I should call her back and reassure her that I'll still be available for Christmas. I'll probably just call her in December, but I still feel bad thinking they'll be lonely on Thanksgiving.

This is now the Thanksgiving thread


My cousin is hosting Thanksgiving this year. Considering that last year I had a Banquet microwave turkey dinner because I was living alone in Texas, I guess I should shut up and be glad that an actual turkey exists in a point in space-time where it can get into my face hole, but at the same time

Her husband's family is super hardcore redneck conservative
Her husband himself drinks Keystone Light like it's water (and it is), and also chews tobacco AND smokes. I have only ever met one other person who smokes and chews and they were a disgusting mess.
Here's hoping nobody makes casual conversation about relationships or anything because I am gonna STIR UP SOME SHIT and be like "oh i just haven't found the right man yet"

getting uninvited from future camo-clad events is a goal for me, but I also don't want to ruin the day for anyone else, so. meh

also my cousin's mother-in-law is an alcoholic. she was drunk before the ceremony part of my cousin's wedding and then still drank everyone else under the table at the reception.
so that should be a blast

after today i feel like dying again


i had my car parked on a hill above the lehigh river with it in drive and my foot on the brake and i just stared into the water for probably about 15 minutes without moving

i am worthless

I lost both my umbrella and my eraser within 2 hours in the same building because I'm a failure and I can't be trusted with anything and I should never leave my apartment.

Animals dropping like flies over here (flies are animals too, so does that expression even make sense in this context). Tiger (we're so original), our cat of 18 years, just died literally as she was being released from the clinic. Heart failure as the vet was discussing her medication with my mother. I couldn't help but laugh when she told me.

It's partially because I wasn't there to see it happen, but mostly I think I don't really feel too bad about Tiger dying because she was 18 fucking years old. She lived a long, comfortable life. And she has been in bad shape for a while now so it's not really surprising, I guess. It feels almost like she died months ago but she was too fucking stubborn to realize it.

Damn cat's been around 2/3 of my life. Mom's house is gonna feel weird without that spiteful little bitch skulking around swatting at the other animals.

I hate Walmart, it's majority useless employees, and it's garbage clientele
The stores are always a fucking mess, filled with literal garbage, screaming children, and apathetic employees
On my way into the store someone yelled "Hey, f*ggot" at me. When I turned and looked at them, then continued walking away they yelled "yeah, fuck you n**ger"
And I was only here to get mattress platform. The website says it's in stock here.
I had to speak to three employees to find where it would even be.
First person wandering around the furniture department directed me to ask the guy stationed at the paint department to help.
He says this store doesn't carry it.
So I went to the service desk.
The guy there took one look at the listing on my phone screen, then plonked the ID code into his own devices and said "it's in aisle J15. There are labels And stickers at the end of each aisle towards the top of the shelf."

So I go to J15
It was one aisle over from the first employee I asked and directly across from the paint department desk
and also they didn't have any in stock


So I drove half an hour to a festering shit heap, got slurs shouted at me, and had to deal with three different employees before I could even determine myself that the website was wrong and they didn't have any in stock.

I'm going to drown myself in margaritas until I feel better.

Saw Coco with the fam, real good movie, but it hit a little too close to home. Grandma on my mum's side had really bad memory problems towards the end of her life and it was very hard on my mum. Seeing the movie with the whole fam together was really something special, but there was not a dry eye in the house by the end, it hit my mum the hardest but we could all feel it.
Good movie, left me feeling the good kind of sad.

I'm beginning to consider that maybe I'm not entirely as socially inept as I have always been lead to believe but that my parents just create a toxic environment by constantly judging me, belittling me, interrupting me, openly doubting everything I say, etc, making me expect to be rejected by everybody else (which has never actually happened except maybe in high school but it was high school so), unable to talk about how I'm feeling or to open up about myself in any way without being very anxious about it and incapable of trusting other people to treat me right. It's becoming increasingly apparent now that my mother in particular lacks empathy, cannot understand non-verbal language and consciously disregards other people's feelings and boundaries and is a hypocrit about it.

Also I think I hit a small bird on the way back home :(

Nothing leaves me feeling sick quite like automotive repair. The water pump in my truck seized on the way home and ate the serpentine belt so I had to limp it home with no power steering, no A/C, and most importantly, no alternator. Thankfully I was only a few miles away so I didn't run it too ragged. It's gonna be sitting in my driveway for awhile, possibly over the weekend.

Dad came over and helped me remove what felt like half the engine compartment. He explained what happened, what's broken, and what parts I need to replace when we put it back together. His eternal optimism when it comes to vehicle maintenance is nothing short of inspirational, especially considering that every time the two of us take a wrench to one of my trucks, we're always stuck doing about twice as much bullshit as we should.

I'd love to feel rustled off or frustrated but I'm just so goddamn tired right now.

Stefan Karl Stefansson has passed away.

RIP Robbie Rotten

he taught us all how to be real villains <3

I find myself not having any attraction towards people. Only upstanding members of society or anything not human, and I'm afraid of being alone but I just don't like people. I don't know wtf is wrong with me.

The sunset in a nice calm weather makes me melancholic like a 50 year old man who wishes he was a kid again.
Mostly it makes me miss the times before I became afflicted by depression.

I know this feeling.

It is a difficult thing to have to deal with and it's not something I can give you a 'solution' to (I can't even be sure you're really asking for somebody to give you an answer). I also don't know how old you are (your present age might be playing a part in the formation of your identity/psychological chemistry). This might be something that passes with time - or you might learn to find something attractive in people in time. Personally I've been getting on better with people the past few years since I've had a job that means I have a lot more exposure to people than I used to - I've actually learned to open up about my anxieties and interests with the people I work with and have learned that everyday people are far more forgiving than I had previously given them credit for.

Here's the thing: You don't have to find people attractive. You don't have to like people. You don't have to conform to 'normality'. You might feel like the world is pressuring you to have to live your life a certain way... but really, just relax. Just allow yourself to be different. Try to see value in the fact that you are different - that your perspective on the world is different. Try not to see it as you having something wrong with you. You're just different - and hey, maybe you can take something from the fact that you're not alone in having these feelings.

Don't feel like you have to be 'normal' in order to have an enjoyable life. That's a crock.

I really don't know if any of that helps. Chin up. Soldier on. Be cool. You'll figure it out.