AWKWARD ZOMBIE

Someone said something true that I didn't want to hear and now I'm being consumed by self-doubt and the good energy that built up in the last few weeks is gone.

For her entire life my bff has lived within 45 minutes of her parents. Yesterday they accepted an offer on their house and they are moving Dallas -> Denver in 2 weeks.

Friend is super upset about this, even though everyone is moving there at this time next year. She had lunch with her mom a few times a week, and they visited for dinner every Sunday.

So bff is sad and that makes me sad. Tomorrow evening we're go going to drink rumchata and make cupcakes. And then drink rumchata, eat cupcakes, and play board and/or video games.

Glad to know I can add work to the list of settings where other people are "allowed" to be frustrated/upset, but I'm not. Been that way pretty much everywhere except Sloth's house forever, don't know why I expected this to be any different.

I feel you Riku. It's tough when you're there for people but opening up to them is met with almost a "wow who asked you?" reaction. Especially when it's family. It makes it hard to trust people, but for me I just try looking for people willing to listen and feel safe enough to talk themselves. I'm tired of being hurt but also tired of being afraid of being hurt.

i wish i could have a genuine heart-to-heart discussion with my mother about bodaciously everything, including my depression and problems from my childhood involving both my parents WITHOUT needing to get extremely drunk first
and i wish I didn't know with 100% certainty that such a conversation would upset her to an unprecedented degree
maybe

what's worse? a divorce after 25 years or your child telling you that a large portion of their problems during childhood and their mental issues that have pursued them into adulthood stemmed from an intensely Catholic upbringing that was forced by you?

who knows

tomorrow i'll be sober and able to pretend i don't care any more

i don't know how to make friends as an adult
"Find a group of people doing things you like!"
> How
"Use Meetup!"

well that's fine and dandy if you work normal hours. bodaciously every group in DFW meets on Saturdays.
On Saturdays and Sundays I work 13 hour shifts.

I can't even meet people on OKCupid. I'll end up in a few conversations with a few different people and they either clearly want more out of me than I can give to them, or theyre way too trusting and I absolutely cannot return that trust or optimism. every time I open up to someone I just end up getting burned in the end.
So this always goes the same way.
Meet a bunch of people on OKCupid.
After a few days or a week I have fooled a few of them into thinking I'm worthwhile somehow but I don't feel the same about any of them. They'll be like "we should meet next week!" and I kind of play along because I don't want to say no make anyone angry and then I'll have an anxiety attack and avoid the app for 2 weeks and as time passes it gets worse and worse because if I go back now I'll have even less of an excuse than if I had gone back a week ago and in the end I just panic and shut down and spend my three days off alone drinking and watching YouTube videos of other people playing games together because I like to imagine what having friends is like, much less someone who actually could deal with me in a relationship.

I tried using meetup once to find some programming meetups to go to. Nearest one was a 2.5 hour drive from me. No thanks.

Dallas has meetups but they're on weekends when I work, or CHRISTIAN SINGLES 12K MEMBERS
Nothing says showing your love for Jesus like getting rustled and playing minigolf

im just slowly coming to terms with that fact that it's impossible for me to actually make friends offline

Being shitfaced and having no one with which to share it with.

I don't know about shitfaced, but I'm certainly not being stingy with the rum while I play vidya games, since Sloth had to go to bed early. If you need to talk, it's not like I'm doing anything important.

I'm going to die alone and unsuccessful because I can't maintain any friendships or accomplish anything remotely challenging or that requires any sort of commitment.

Fuck me.

what

#twins
except i actually had a twin

he's dead
so thats
cool.
it took me five years to get an associates degree. if you aren't american (i dont actually know if this is a strictly american thing) that's a two year degree if you're average, 1 -1.5 if you're 'good'. ive chased away almost all of my friends that ive ever made and im terrified of the future, anywhere between a week from now to 70 years from now because i have no idea what state i'll be in
not as in geographical
but physical

im very drunk and its numbing to both fingers, feelings, and brain. and eyes.
thats four but i said 'both'

also can relate, as this will likely never happen, either because i'm a fucking mess or because i subconsciously sabotage myself

Hey. Both of you.

You people are both wonderful. Your worth as a person is not determined by some nebulous idea of how """successful""" you are. You are a good person and deserve to be pop flyin' no matter how much cheddar you make or how many friends you have or however long it takes you to get to whatever milestones happen in your life. Doesn't matter, you both deserve happiness and I hope it finds you soon.

Here, watch this gif of kittens, you will feel slightly better

im definitely the one in the middle
minding his own business as other people use him to bodaciously jump above everyone else with zero thought for his well-being