AWKWARD ZOMBIE

I don't even have the POTENTIAL to be a normal girl.

I have consistently failed every fucking step of this transition and I'm not even to hormones yet.

An aunt passed away this morning. My dad's only got one brother left, and he's got cancer and probably won't last much longer.

[youtube]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dE7_BKvHikU[/youtube]


FUCKIN NINJAS CHOPPING ONIONS AGAIN

crippling anxiety and lack of self-esteem making me put off contacting friends I'd like to hang out with because I can't shake the feeling that I'm just an embarassment and if they wanted to hang out they'd be contacting me in the first place

edit: And the more it goes the worst it becomes as my attempts feel more pathetic and pointless and I consider just giving up on relationships because I'm too incompetent to maintain any seeing as I've been trying and failing to type "hey what's up" for three hours to someone living 5 minutes away

I should have kept my fat fucking mouth shut is what I should have done, because Dad was bodaciously ON THE WAY HOME from Ohio when he got a call telling him his brother was gone.

Fuck me, man.

At least he still has you.

^Probably not the best thing to say to someone that just lost someone they care about.

Sorry... I am not the best at this.

<

hello, meet me
i make me sad

One of my favorite customers passed away this morning. He had been sick for a while now so we kinda expected it to happen soon but it still seems like it was too soon. Sucks.

Been suffering from antidepressants withdrawal all week, been super depressed, paranoid, ignoring a friend of mine because I am convinced he dislikes me, so I should cut off all contact and make the blow easier. I know it's probably just the depression talking but I still feel convinced that this friendship is a farce.

I feel like a mistake of genetics and society, and I hate myself.

Something didn't meet my expectations, earlier. Since then, I've been completely unable to function and on the verge of crying.

It's not even something major that didn't work out. Just something so minor and inconsequential that I shouldn't even be thinking about it anymore.

Airra, why are you doing this?

It's the end of the school year and I'm failing. My Cumulative GPA is 0.96 And I have an F in 3 of my core classes. I expect my parents to beat me and yell at me when I show them. Sometimes, I want to hurt and maybe kill those around me. I don't do my homework a lot and procrastinate when I have it. I tried praying to god to give me sign and motivate me to do better, but he never answers. I'm starting to wonder why he brought me into this world and what my purpose was. It's probably nothing anyway, as whenever I see something motivational it doesn't work.

Are you in high school or college?

Not gonna lie, your situation sounds pretty bad. In fact I would say you're at the point where motivation is not your main problem. I'm just a random person on the internet (I'm a teacher, at least), but from what you're saying I'd say there's a bigger problem. Maybe a mental health problem. Maybe an ability problem. But not a "I just don't feel like it" problem.

Wherever you are, I'd suggest talking to a counselor about what's going on. The school counselor or even a teacher you trust, if you're in high school, or an academic advisor or a health center if you're at college.

Bad grades aren't the end of the world, but you're going to need help for things to get better. The things you are saying are not healthy things to say. You need some help, don't try to go through these problems alone.

I'm pretty sure if you were being given a sign from big gosh in the sky, it was the 0.96 GPA and 3 F's. I agree with Saint, probably look into seeing a counselor/psychologist. You likely may have depression which is, if your forum profile is true, hitting you at the worst point in your life.