AWKWARD ZOMBIE

I may not last long at this job. After a week, I still can't manage to properly clean a fucking windshield, even while using the same technique as the other guys.

Oh well. I hate car culture anyway.

I've been getting upset with the people I frequently talk to a whole lot during the past month.
Like, they aren't doing anything inherently wrong, and I know they're doing nothing wrong. I'm just getting really annoyed by them for no real reason.

I don't like it.

During the first weeks of my intership I had more energy than ever but the last few weeks have been draining and I've de-evolved back into my "walking tumor of anti-fun" form and I rustled my mother off.

Really getting tired of apparently being too socially incompetent to find the space between bottling all my stress up like an emotionally withdrawn doormat, and being an overassertive bitch when I try to speak freely.

I know that feeling very well.

I keep having this really dreadful feeling and I can't get it to go away. My mom has worked shitty jobs her whole life and now often works 50 hours a week at her current job for minimum wage. It's partially her fault for dropping out of high school, living in an area with no job opportunities, and having a bunch of kids, but it doesn't change the fact that that's hard on her. For years it's been my dream to someday get in a position where I can easily support myself and let her live with me so she can finally take it easy for once in her life and not have to worry whether she'll get the bills paid or not. But this fucking feeling won't go away that she won't live long enough for that to happen. Her health has been declining the past couple of years; she's had 3 minor heart attacks, her blood pressure is high, and she smokes. She's still able to work and gets around without any problems and acts like she's fine, but I just can not shake this fucking feeling.

And now I'm working towards moving in with a friend of mine the next town over so that I can get a better job, and I feel like the added stress that that'll give my mom will make things even harder on her.

My oldest cat is really starting to show her age. She's come back from worse conditions in the past but that luck can't last forever.

...and we just came back from the fishing trip to find a different cat dead on the floor.

RIP Mobius ????-2016

Your name should have been Ivan.

i'm so bored.

i'm like that overwhelming kind of bored that one gets when they've been bored for so long that not even my hobbies and other things i enjoy doing that i could do (like writing, drawing, etc) give me enjoyment. i'm home alone, all day, every day, with pretty much nothing to do. every day. every day. i sleep half of the day and spend the other half on my computer watching youtube videos. every day. i want to write and draw and stuff because i want something to do, but i can't find the energy to do it, or when i try nothing comes out, and art block is normal but then i'm just left here, with nothing to do, all day, every day. every day.

i'm so tired of this. but i can't really do much about it because entertainment costs cheddar, and i don't have cheddar.

also one of my foster kittens is really sick

Another of the puppies is sick with whatever killed the other two. I have a feeling he'll be dead before I get home this even, which means I have to dig second hole, for the second day in a row.

Which sucks booty, because we have a lot of roots and rocks on the property. I should probably get some black powder and make something with an electrical fuse (would that even work with black powder?) and just start blasting the dirt and crap looses so that I don't have to spend an hour or so trying to dig out a few cubic feet of the ground.

Edit: Yup, the puppy is dead. At least I have help to dig a hole, now.

One of my closest friends in my RuneScape clan just left the clan. My heart just sank when I saw it.
I still talk to her over pm but, geez.
The clan chat just won't be the same without her, she always said hi to people coming in and was just an overall nice person.

I have all these nice things to say about her but I don't dare say them to her, I don't want to pressure her into coming back into the clan when she chose to leave.

yep....my kitten died. i've never encountered a sulfa allergy before, but daisies. and there's no way to like...screen for it either, so i pretty much have no idea if it'll happen again until i give the kittens albon and they die, i guess.

bluh.

edit: aaaand my best friend leaves tomorrow at like 5am on a month-long trip where they are 100% off the grid and i won't have contact with them outside of periodic snail mail letters and i didn't get to talk to them before they left because there was a storm at their house and the power went out

i'm glad i'm having to deal with an animal death and not getting that closure on my friend leaving while kyle is in fucking canada

i'm so done with this week

I just found out why my friend left the clan.
The clan leader quit RuneScape, so many long time clan members have left.

It's happening again. Another clan I've been in a long time is deteriorating.

Dammit.

I still have so many friends still in the clan, I won't leave them.
But I've also had good friends I've made there leave the clan too.

Well, a fourth puppy has died, in just over a week's time. The last puppy seems to be okay, though. He's pretty active, and tries to play. It's kind if messed up that only one out of a litter of six went to a new home. Hopefully this last one gets a new home and doesn't get sick.

Bud Spencer died.