AWKWARD ZOMBIE

i can't go a single week without having some kind of break down.

My internship starts tomorrow and I just spent the evening hyperventilating and quietly freaking out because everything is suddenly daunting. I had to drive to the grocery store (which is in the way to my workplace) and that alone was unnecessarily challenging. Streets go from two-way to one-way and then back, I never have any idea whether there are one or two lanes, where I'm supposed to go when I get to intersections where 6 different streets collide and not two are aligned. This city is too big for me. I forgot how grocery stores work the moment I got there and it took me forever just to get 4 things because I had no idea what I actually wanted/needed and where it was. I feel unfit for life. I could cry if I wasn't dead inside and super fucking tired because we switched to/from/iunno daylight saving time, and my super serious internship hasn't even started yet.

Also, Things I Shouldn't Say Out Loud: "Shit what do humans eat??".

My dog is being put down today.

I mean it's for the best, she had a seizure yesterday and has had a tumor growing in her mouth/throat for like the past couple months but goddamnit I keep telling myself I'm ready for this and I'M NOT READY FOR THIS GOD FUCKING DAMNIT AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

I had an emotional outburst while talking to a friend.

That friend has "walked away from our friendship".

UPDATE: Everything is sorted out now. Humanity is a confusing thing.

I've been feeling especially depressed lately. I feel like I don't really belong anywhere because I have no irl friends that share the same beliefs as me so I have to keep to myself a lot of times when talking to them.

This is sort of weird to me but, I don't cry at sad stuff.
I go around trying to read or watch stuff, heartfelt, heartbreaking. And it's never enough to make me cry and it's something I dislike about myself.

Like I feel a lump well up when looking at sad stuff, but tears never come out. And it has to be like really touching to even get that lump feeling. In recent memory three of the things that caused this feeling in me were the anime Clannad and the games Undertale and Pokemon Super Mystery Dungeon.

The last time I remember crying to a game was a long time ago and it was that music that played when setting a Chao free on Sonic Adventure 2. That was Gamecube era.
I don't know what changed about me so that it doesn't happen anymore.

It just makes me sad seeing people comment how this and that made them cry and I just feel nothing about it.

It's no tear disorder or whatever, my eyes still water if dust gets in them or in response to pain. They just never well up to sad stuff.

Trying to accept the fact that I'm not terribly good at my job and that it'll take me months to get better just... isn't going well.

I want to get better, I want people to know that I'm actively trying, but I worry so much that I come across as doing nothing about it when really I'm just trying to learn how I always learn, by observing and slowly gaining experience and confidence with it. And I'm just so overwhelmed with the stress of doing everything that I can't only focus on one thing at a time.

Being a teacher just doesn't feel like the right fit for me (with the amount of stress and workload they have to deal with, I'm not sure it's the right fit for anyone) and I just want to teach for a couple years, start my masters as soon as possible, then become a counselor. But I feel like I can't come out and say that to the other teachers because I still need to find a job and I'm worried that the "get-in-and-get-out" attitude will hurt my chances of finding a teaching position somewhere nice.

I love helping kids, I love being in education, but it's really hard having anxiety and trying to get used to the stress at the same time. I can't help but think "surely there's something easier I could do" but I don't know what. I really want to help kids find their direction in life, help them with their problems, and counseling would be great for that. But keeping that end goal in mind doesn't make the short-term stress go away.

As someone who is also in their teaching internship (although not yet full-time student teaching), I get that it's definitely difficult the first couple of times, just from a presentation and organization standpoint (I spent ten minutes stammering through the first time I directed warm-ups). After that, though, I think your intuitive method of kind of observing and gradually building the confidence will have given you better rapport with your students which will probably make it "click" much easier after you've had a few run-throughs of the presentation side of teaching. That being said, virtually no one is great at teaching for the first couple years of the job. Competent from building skills during the course of university and internship, sure. But not great.
Don't worry, lady; you'll figure out how do great c:

Thanks Riku.

It's not that I hate teaching or think I'll never be good at it, it's just hard when I picture this perfect ideal of what I would like teaching to be like and it becomes clear just how far I have to go. And there's no big secret or One Easy Trick to get there, just a long long time of learning a little bit here and a little bit there and having a million moments of "oh oops I should've done that differently" and "wait is this really the best way to do this" along the way. All I can really do is keep trying and get experience, i guess.

Also, I found this on Facebook and holy cow I've never agreed with a random Facebook image so much in my life.


In the teaching profession especially, the last thing I want to hear about is how other teachers are taking work home over their weekend and staying at the school until 8 and other ridiculous stuff. After the bad times I had in college stressing myself out to the limit, I need to take care of my mental health. I don't want to be seen as lazy or unmotivated just because I take the occasional break to stare at my phone for a few minutes during off periods, or because I'd rather finish as much as I can during the work day instead of taking work home, which keeps me from spending time with Brock from Cockfighting Society or just unwinding in general. If I can find ways to save myself that time by planning ahead, you bet your booty I'll do it instead of working myself to death.

I haven't had any actual "judgment" over how much workload I'm taking on, but I do worry because in this line of work, references are everything in getting a job and who knows what the other teachers actually think of me. Hopefully good stuff, but you never know. The glorification of being overworked is definitely there, though. Even back when I was in college, my professors would almost brag about the worst things that happened at their job, as if it were an inspiring story. Meanwhile I sat there thinking "...is this supposed to make me WANT to work at the most violent, underfunded, inner-city school I can find?". Because it didn't work. ...okay, rant's over now.

Mom came home from Norway and unfortunately, her dog had to go into quarantine. That means we won't see him again for 4 weeks, until 4th of May.

Considering how dependent he is on my mother, it absolutely sucks.

I still feel like I just can't find a job.
I try and look but I can never see something that makes me think "I can do that."
My only proper experience was volunteering in a charity in the back with the donated items. I was pop flyin' volunteering there.

I see descriptions of jobs and the times I get the courage to actually apply to something I'm not 100% sure I can do because I've never done it before, I don't get a reply, fuelling the thought that I shouldn't apply to stuff I don't know I'm capable of.

I feel like I can do great in interviews, I can work hard and learn what to do but that doesn't seem to matter because everywhere wants someone who already knows what to do.

My only experience is working in that charity and a week of computer work in a company my dad used to work at.

I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like I have a grasp on what I really want to do.
Even then I'd be pop flyin' just finding something.
I hate having to go to my work advisor and disappointing him every time with how I haven't gotten further with anything.

The worst part is that feeling I've disappointed someone. I hate that more than anything else.

It doesn't help I have this weird phobia of phoning people I don't know. It's like arachnophobia. You've got a spider sitting right there on a wall and you want rid of it. You have nothing to pick it up in. Me typing that number in and hitting call is like an arachnophobe inching towards that spider to pick it up. That is actually how phone calls make me feel.
As an arachnophobe myself, both these feelings make me churn inside the same way.
I don't know why I'm like this.

I'm fine if I get a call from them, it's when I have to make the call first.

Just found out that one of my coworkers was in a car accident with her boyfriend. She has a fractured hip and he passed away.

This world is stupid and fucked up.

I just lost my job.

Its been a few days.

Now my dog is dead.

This week can go fuck itself.

Feeling depressed today because this whole job search thing is dragging on and on. I keep telling myself that a lot of schools won't hire until June but it doesn't make me feel better..

On top of that I got a rejection email today, it's nice to have feedback (and I really didn't want to work at that school anyway) but I keep worrying, because what if I can't afford to be that picky? What if the early bird does get the worm and I missed out on something? I hate the fact that I'm basically just waiting for people to call me. I wish I had something more I could do.