AWKWARD ZOMBIE

All we have is Publix.

Where our slogan is where shopping is a pleasure but it's actually not any more pleasant than any other supermarket.

The Giant and Weis near my college both have a good selection of latino food. Maybe I should cook something from that next.

I know how to make brownies from the box...

I have a recipe for elephant stew.

PAY ATTENTION, WHELPS. For today, we make Cheese Souffle. Uncle Spoony is aware he stated that DAMPER would be our next meal, but HE LIED. Just like Uncle Spoony's Platoon lied to him when they said backup was on the way.

HOW MANY MORE DAMMIT

HOW MANY MORE

For Cheese Souffle, you will require the following.

40g (1/4 cup) plain flour
1/2 tsp mustard powder
185ml (3/4 cup) milk
105g (1 1/4 cups) coarsely grated cheddar
3 eggs, separated
125ml (1/2 cup) thin cream
THE STRENGTH TO GO ABOVE AND BEYOND THE CALL OF DUTY.
KNOWLEDGE OF HOW TO KILL A MAN IN THREE SECONDS.
THE WILLINGNESS TO CRAWL THROUGH A TINY NETWORK OF CAVERNS FOR WEEKS AT A TIME.



Once you have arranged them DECORATIVELY, you may begin by preheating your oven to 180 degrees Celsius.



Melt some butter, and brush some ramikens. IF, like Uncle Spoony, you CANNOT AFFORD many ramikens on the MEASLEY reparations the government regurgitates onto your lap, you will need to use your INTIATIVE, and your IMPROVISATIONAL SKILLS. OBSERVE YOUR ENVIRONMENT. SCROUNGE YOUR SURROUNDINGS. AQUIRE MORE RESOURCES. SURVIVE. DEFEAT THE ENEMY. COME HOME TO A COUNTRY THAT HATES YOU.



Melt YET MORE BUTTER in a pan on a medium heat, and then add your entire reserves of flour and mustard powder.



Stir for around TWO MINTUES, or until it appears similar to Uncle Spoony's above mixture.



Then, REMOVE YOUR PAN FROM THE HEAT. It needs to be given shore leave, in a VAIN, HOLLOW ATTEMPT to display the ILLUSION of altruism. Add half of your milk, NO MORE, and whisk it into your creation. Once it has fully absorbed the milk, add the rest, AND WHISK ONCE MORE.



Now your pan is READY FOR COMBAT ONCE AGAIN, having spent it's entire shore leave in a seedy Vietnamese brothel. Return it to the heat. Stir you mixture for around four minutes, or, as before, it looks comparable to the above picture.



Remove your pan from the heat for the FINAL TIME; it has taken a BULLET in the SPINE, and is NO LONGER FIT FOR SERVICE. Add your egg yolks and 60 grams of your cheese.



Stir until fully combined. Your mixture is ALMOST READY to be REINTEGRATED into functional society.



Now beat your egg whites until DELIGHTFUL LITTLE PEAKS form on the top.



Add your egg whites to your mixture, and stir it for the last time.



Pour the mixture into your PREVIOUSLY PREPARED RAMIKENS. Uncle Spoony's only yielded TWO SERVES. He has FOOLISHLY WASTED butter on the other two.



Now place your ramikens in a tray with enough boiling water to reach HALF WAY UP THEIR SIDES. They must stay in the oven for FIFTEEN MINUTES. While you wait, you might like to ENJOY SOME LITERATURE. Uncle Spoony is reading JONATHAN STRANGE & MR. NORREL, a DELIGHTFUL ROMP through VICTORIAN ENGLAND with MAGIC AND WHIMSY.



After fifteen minutes have elapsed, your Souffles should look like this. If they do not, YOU HAVE DONE SOMETHING WRONG. Perhaps put them back in if they are yet undercooked.



Turn your ramikens onto a baking tray lined with grease paper. Now sprinkly YOUR REMAINDER OF CHEESE on top, and then drizzle with your cream. Crack some FRESH BLACK PEPPER on them, then put them back into the oven. ADJUST YOUR OVEN TO 220 DEGREES, and now wait another TEN MINUTES.



Perhaps you would enjoy listening to some musica while you wait. Uncle Spoony is listening to MELLON COLLIE AND THE INFINITE SADNESS. The Smashing Pumpkins sing the words that Uncle Spoony knows in his heart to be true, but is TOO AFRAID TO SPEAK ALOUD.



Remove your Souffles from the oven. Now plate, garnish, and serve.



Realise that you have prepared food for two, but you have NOBODY LEFT IN YOUR LIFE, since ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS DIED, in a DANK PRISONER OF WAR CAMP.



Begin deluding all of the friends you need.



Stimulate yourselves intellectually.



Perhaps play the vidya.



Then remember that ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS ARE DEAD.



Now you will TAKE THE COWARD'S WAY OUT.

CONGRATULATIONS, YOU HAVE PREPARED CHEESE SOUFFLE, UNCLE SPOONY STYLE.

Screw the recipe, do I see fezzes?

What section of the grocery store would I find these in

THE SECTION FOR MEN.

By the Old Spice, then?

WHAT IF MY LOCAL GROCER IS TOO FRAIL AND PITIFUL TO SUPPORT SUCH A SECTION

Oh shit I am so making this, complete with all the TENDER MAN AGNST and the CREAMY WAR FLASHBACKS, and not to mention the CHEWY SUICIDE at the end.

YOU MAKE DO WITHOUT, LIKE A GOOD SOLDIER

Rat in a cage?

Tonight, tonight

Oh good. For a while I was afraid you were referring to Today but then I realized that was on Siamese Dream.

You don't seem like you would a creepy ice cream truck driver.

So I concluded Bullet with Butterfly Wings but oh well.