AWKWARD ZOMBIE

I used to be in a similar situation (except with less childhood trauma because I've always avoided activities that involve getting out of the house or meeting people or doing things).
It got better two years ago. I had just dropped out of university for the second time and I was convinced that I had no future and I didn't want to live in general, so I stopped trying to look perfect all the time because who cares at this point, and it did wonders. I've made more friends since then than in my entire life up to that point, and I'm finally fine with being myself.
You've talked about the positive changes that happened since you came out and how it made you feel better about yourself. That's the kind of self-confidence that should help you make new friends and build stronger relationships in general.

So, my family and I are living in my aunt's house for a while because life is unfair, blah blah blah.

She is very controlling. She feels the need to get into everybody's business and assert control over what they're doing, even when she has no business with it. There's absolutely no pleasing her, and may whatever deity you choose to follow (if applicable) help you if you decide you want to tell her that she's the one not doing something right.

She has this awful habit of talking to someone and never waiting for them to make any input in the conversation. She'll actively interrupt when someone is saying something, never letting them finish a sentence and just assuming that she knows how the sentence will end. It's to such an extent that one can leave a call with her on speaker and go about doing whatever one may do in a given day and come back to the phone, bodaciously three hours later, and find that she is still talking. The only way to actually get a word in is to interrupt her more than she interrupts you.

My family has never been the most passive when upset. My mother has been known to throw stuff and my older brother would punch holes in walls when things didn't go his way. I think my Grandma may have tried to run someone over at some point, but I don't recall. I just know that she doesn't have a driver's license anymore. I ended up learning from these bad habits at some point during my childhood (many non-Nintendo brand controllers have been broken through the early years), and eventually developed some self-destructive behaviors out of fear of one day hurting someone else.

I've since grown out of most of my violent childhood outbursts. The only thing that really bothers me to a point where I feel it necessary to raise my voice is dealing with people who don't have a concept on how their actions may be affecting others. Fortunately, I've been able to avoid dealing with such people for several years.

Now I have to live in the same house as my aunt.

As implied earlier, she doesn't pay attention to other people. She doesn't think about how the way she acts may cause stress to someone else. She believes she's a perfect person who needs to solve everyone else's problems, but in the act of doing so, she's becomes more trouble than it is worth. I've been able to try and ignore it as best I could for the last week- she's letting us stay here for free, after all- but it's just awful.

An hour ago, she decided to come into the room we're staying in and tell my Mom that she's answering the phone wrong, telling her what she's supposed to say and a lot of other things without actually knowing what's being talked about. At this point, they started arguing with each other, five feet away from me.

The method I use to avoid getting upset over things is to remove myself from the problematic situation in question. However, they had the path away from the computer (which is set up in a way that there's a sort of "wall" between the computer and the rest of the room (as such because I highly dislike when people are behind me)), so I was forced to sit through it. At some point, I asked for them both to "please stop". My aunt stopped talking just long enough to look at me and said, "you stay out of this."

That was my breaking point, and all those years of trying to move past my unruly violent child phase went out the window for the next half hour. I screamed at her to shut up. I don't remember any specifics of what happened (I always had trouble with memory when upset, something that made learning how to not get so angry over things a bit difficult as I wasn't able to recognize my own patterns that lead up to an outburst until I decided to basically become a mental robot in certain regards to constantly break things down in my head to figure out what's going on), but when I finally calmed down, there was some broken stuff, my hand was bleeding and my aunt was on the other side of the house and crying.

I feel like I've let myself down. I promised myself that I was done doing things like that, but I just lack the self-control to keep calm under pressure. My aunt probably deserved to be yelled at, but I'm just not pop flyin' that I was the one that had to do it.



Unrelatedly, I'm unhappy with how long the parenthesis comments are in comparison to the rest of the sentence.


Also: [CN], we could try having some conversation about whatever in PM if you want. I've actually been wanting to get on friendlier terms with a few of AZ's forumites, but "You're an interesting person LET'S TALK ABOUT THINGS AND STUFF" is an awkward way to start a conversation andIdon'tknowhowtostartconversations.

I can't get to sleep very well lately and I always just feel emotionally like crap whenever I wake up. Also getting headaches a lot and that sucks.

My German Shepard killed a squirrel yesterday and I had to bury it.

I'm not sad but my mother was a little flustered.

One of my favorite bands is having a concert in town right now, and I couldn't go because of me working late + having to study for school.

I feel like an asshole when I don't have the answer to hypothetical life questions I find difficult.

Examples: I am 100% supportive of the LGBT community. But hypothetically, if someday after I get married my future wife came out to me as transsexual, I don't know what I would do. And that makes me feel like a complete asshole. I wouldn't want to divorce someone for wanting a sex change, but I also am heterosexual and wouldn't be physically attracted to that person after the fact. It's not an easy question for me, therefore: I'm an asshole.

We talked about three types of schooling options for Deaf children today in class: Deaf Institutions, which teach entirely through sign language, oral schools, which teach through speech and lip reading and sign language isn't used, and mainstreaming into regular schools. What if my future child is Deaf? I don't know what option is best. I'm the hypothetical parent, and I can't make a confident decision, therefore: I'm a gigantic asshole.

And I don't even want to talk to people about their opinions on these kinds of things because I'm afraid I'll be seen as intolerant and transphobic/Deaf-phobic(?)/whatever-kind-of-phobic because I just don't know.

You do know, like rationally, that it's perfectly acceptable to not know how you would react in every single hypothetical, socially sensitive situation, right? Hell people can SAY they know how they'd react to things, but that doesn't mean that, when the time comes, they will in fact, react that same way. I find it more honest when someone says they don't know, and I'm a bit wary when someone deals in absolutes.

I know that it's OK to not know things. But I still do worry about these things even if it probably won't happen. I know it's not rational but I feel like I can't help it.

I have a lot of trouble with hypothetical and make-believe stuff, myself.

I can barely even handle rhetorical questions.

And bodaciously anything that involves an opinion. I almost never have wordable opinions. It's all generic thoughts with emotions that don't match anything in my mental dictionary; all being represented by abstract, nondescript colored "blobs" that are nearly impossible for me to explain.
I've failed entire essays simply because they required that I have an opinion on something.
The only reason I managed to pass one was because I got the teacher to agree to let me write everything in a character's words rather than my own. It was a "What would you do if you created artificial life in a lab, and how would you react in these different conditions that aren't important enough to list in a forum post?" (Oddly specific, I know.) I did it in the character of scientist with a highly questionable moral compass.
I got an A+.

I ran over an animal for the first time today. It was a cute little weasel-like thing.

It had survived the winter

I'm getting back into that time when I just feel sort of sad for no reason.

Seeing posts about old friends getting together without me makes me sad. Especially when I'm not sure if I'm on good terms with one or two of them because of an incident that occurred between myself and another mutual friend ofours.

Today is the anniversary of Mitch Hedberg's death :'(.

Maybe I'm getting the wrong idea, but the way things are now, it feels like no one really cares about me anymore, heh.

I think most of us feel that way sometimes. I'm sure you're still very important to plenty of people.