AWKWARD ZOMBIE

Why did the female cow decide not to cheat on her husband?

[spoiler]Because she practices moonogamy.[/spoiler]

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head
The bartender says "what's that for?"
The pirate says [spoiler]"Aar, I've got a Bounty on me head!"[/spoiler]

Airline food: What's up with that stuff?

What do you call a facedown hedgehog?
[spoiler]A bad start.[/spoiler]

French joke.

Two cats are competing in a race. One cat's name is Onetwothree, and the other's name is Undeuxtrois.

Along the way, near the finish line, the cats come across a river.

Which cat wins?

[spoiler]Onetwothree, because Undeuxtrois cat sank.[/spoiler]

http://forums.leasticoulddo.com/index.p ... opic=29248

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead.


No, I did not come up with this joke...

Bad jokes. I've definitely heard my fair share. Now lets see if i can recall them correctly.

What do you call a blond with 2 brain cells?
[spoiler]pregnant[/spoiler]
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A blond is happily married to her husband. Every day her husband goes to work and she stays at home tending to things. But her husband keeps coming home late so she decides to follow her husband.

She finds out that he has been cheating on her when he gets out of work. She gets furious and gets out her gun and barges in the room and points the gun at the cheating couple. But is suddenly stricken with grief and aims the gun at her own head.

Her husband says 'Wait honey don't do it!"

To which she says "Shut up, your next."
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This one is well worth the read
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A woman and her lover run into a bedroom and begin to make out when suddenly they can hear a car pull up in the driveway. The lady says "Oh no my husband!" and proceeds to shove her lover into the closet. The lover stands there and waits for the all clear when he notices a kid is also in the closet. He tries to ignore him when he hears

"Sure is dark in here"
"...yup"
"I have a baseball"
"...That's nice."
"You wanna buy it?"
"No"
"Ya sure? I think my dad might like to meet ya"
"Alright, Alright. How much?"
"200 bucks"
"...Fine"

The lover eventually gets the all clear and is able to leave. The next day, the woman and her lover are at it again when her husband comes home again, and the lover is put in the closet, again.

"Sure is dark in here"
"...yup"
"I got a baseball glove"
"...How much?"
"300 bucks"
"....Fine."

The next day the kid and his dad go outside to play some catch when the dad asks
"Wheres your ball? Wheres your glove?"
"I sold em for 500 bucks"
"What!? How could you do this to a friend? You need to confess your sins son!"

The dad then proceeds to bring his son to church and puts him in the confession booth.

"Sure is dark in here."
"Oh don't start that again!"

Took me a second to realize the punchline. Awesome. <3

Wanna hear a joke?

[spoiler]Robert Pattinson's career.[/spoiler]

Wanna hear another joke?

So a seal walks into a club.

How do you put an eliphant in a fridge?
[spoiler]Open door, put in eliphant, close door.[/spoiler]

How do you put a giraffe in a fridge?
[spoiler]Open door, take out eliphant, put in giraffe, close door.[/spoiler]

A lion is giving a party, and everyone's invited. Who will not join the party?
[spoiler]The giraffe, cause he's still in the fridge.[/spoiler]

You need to cross a lake, but the lake is known to have crocodiles. What do you do?
[spoiler]Swim, cause all the crocodiles are at the lion's party.[/spoiler]

The new supermarket near my house has an automatic water mister to keep produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The veggie department features the sound of a gentle breeze and the smell of fresh buttered corn.

[spoiler]I don't buy toilet paper there any more.[/spoiler]
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Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road
when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
" My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees
the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees
the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams...

[spoiler]"Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"[/spoiler]
_____________________________________________________________

HOW TO COOK A TURKEY:

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch)
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for hours
Step 14: Test the lurkey for numbness
Step 15: Take the oven out of the lurkey
Step 16: Floor the lurkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself nuther scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out
_____________________________________________________________

Here's another bad-taste joke to tickle your funnybone:

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"

"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"

[spoiler]After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."[/spoiler]
_____________________________________________________________

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell whet he had done. "I took a ride on a choo choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked little Zach what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's wonderful!" the teacher said. "What book did you read? Zach thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said...

[spoiler]"Winnie the SHIT!"[/spoiler]

What's the difference between a baby and a sandwich?
[spoiler]I don't fuck my sandwich before I eat it[/spoiler]

What's the difference between a baby and a fridge?
[spoiler]The fridge doesn't scream when I pack the meat in[/spoiler]

What is wrong with you.

Everything