AWKWARD ZOMBIE

Decide you need something a bit more interactive this evening, boot up your favorite F2P MMO
And wait for it to update

Hit on forum member Marcato while you wait for update.

I hear the new update is gonna have houses in it!

PM Katie about how the proletariats are all incompetent fascists and you should be mod.

You respond to the completely baseless accusations with
"What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable booty off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo."
You snort in satisfaction,
"This'll show 'em"
You murmur to yourself as you click submit.


You reach for the ice cold glass of chocolate almond milk next to your computer monitor.
You drink deeply, slamming the glass back onto the desk half full.
A chocolatey mustache frames a victorious sneer, it's only a matter of time before the whole of the forum bows to you.


With your magnum opus of a post completed and the fury of pure victory coursing through your veins, you navigate to the shortcut to your favorite Massively Multiplayer Online Battle Action Role Playing Trading Card Game, or MMOBARPTCG for short,
THRONE OF FANTASY ONLINE
Thoughts of crushed skulls and burning villages dance through your mind as the game begins to load.


You return to the Awkward Zombie forum for some unfinished business.
You notice a member you've never seen before.
His avatar entices you, and you quickly put together a message together.
An internet boyfriend?!
You swoon at the thought.
You press send and move onto more pressing issues.


Despite not having been here for long, you've noticed the members with names in green command considerable respect.
Members scurry in their presence and any frivolous speaking is silenced immediately.
You need this power.
You track down the master of this forum, Zomnambulist.
The name is written in a deep crimson, as if scrawled in dried blood.
Your fingers tremble as you compile your message.
You do not outright ask to be one of these feared members in green, but state that they aren't nearly oppressive enough, that if you really want to rule you need someone like you.
You take a deep breath before clicking send.

It is now 11:00.

Recieve mod powers, abuse them immediately.

"OH MY GOD I HAVE BEEN IN LOVE WITH YOU FOR AT LEAST LIKE AN HOUR NOW OMG OMG OMG <3 <3 <3

HOW MANY BABIES DO YOU WANT TO HAVE :3 :3 :3

YOU'RE A GIRL RIGHT"

Jeez Luweez, not even the first date and already this guy is asking to see your genitals? How forward! Anyway, you have to think fast...

After getting the link to one of your favorite pictures to let it go to, you PM him: "anything 4 u bby! here's a picture of me~! ♡♥♡♥♡"

Roll to see if he'll buy it.

You don't receive a response and decide to wait until you do.
A half hour passes before you realize the silence itself must be confirmation.
Someone as intimidating and powerful as this mysterious Zomnambulist would never communicate directly.
No, they'd speak in riddles and half truths, silence says more than anything.
You have been granted the power to adequately serve under your lord and master, Zomnambulist.
You return to the forum, curious as to how you will exercise your newfound power.
You notice a small orange exclamation point on the right of each post.
You've never noticed it before.
You decide to try it on the forum member who offended you.
You click the exclamation point on their post.
You're brought to a screen where you must justify your decision.
You type into the box,
"Got in my way"
You hit submit and chug the last of your chocolate milk.

A new message has arrived, it reads

"BABIES"
how pathetic, yet he may prove useful.
You cobble together a response and attach a choice cheesecake pinup from your trashy crossover folder as a more or less accurate self portrait.
It reads,


It is now 11:45
You are starting to feel sleepy.

Get Ye flask

Your flask of emergency chocolate almond milk stands at the ready.
Will you swig?

Swig, to celebrate finally getting ye flask.

You Swig heartily from your flask, the chocolate milk refreshingly cool. It's good to have a flask.

Your flask has 3 remaining swigs.

Your MMORPTCG has finished updating and is ready to play.

Your room is starting to get a bit stuffy.

It is still 11:45.

You login and collect your daily freebie!
But wait, someone in your guild-equivalent is ACTUALLY ONLINE
You PM them a long hello, being sure to bother them about their inactivity
Your head starts to bob as your awake levels dip despite chocolate milk sugar levels

Sleep later, you must become King of Card Games!

Heartily boast to your fellow player of you amazing skills in hopes that he/she will fear and revere you.