AWKWARD ZOMBIE

12 fashion trends that men hate: Existing
just stop existing, ladies. Your man doesn't want to bone such a modest immodest fashionable frumpy thin thick tall short WHORE

Uhh

What

(I was parodying these)

Oh, OK.

I mean, as long as you're not wearing stripes and plaids together or something obviously terrible like that, I really don't care what girls wear one way or another.

fashion tip: wear stripes and plaid together, or plaid and stripes, or striped plaid! you really can just go nuts with the combination of stripes and plaid.

Did I do this right?


Sorry about it being sideways, to lazy to fix it.

Certainly caught my eye.

When approaching stray dogs or fatigued persons, it is always important to exercise caution. In the spirit of the 2014 Winter Sochi Olympic Games, here are the hottest caution tips from around the globe:

1) Always carry essential safety tools. These may include mainstays such as pepper spray, dangerous shoes, and pocket knives (or cutlery intended for culinary use); however, the Boston CDC reports that a higher percentage of the population elects to carry at least one species of water fowl on their person at any given time. Both tame and feral birds provide protection in three important ways. Primarily, most are naturally aggressive when their nest is being threatened. If you can persuade the bird to nest in hair on any part of your body, you will have a loyal guardian for the remainder of the bird's natural life. Second, birds are highly valued among street urchins and roving groups of scavengers. Very few impoverished peoples have the means to catch birds other than lazy city pigeons, so your avian companion will fetch a high price in any urban bazaar. Birds are desirable because low access to education in underprivileged regions correlates with greater rates of superstition, and many urban poor believe that birds' powers of flight will help them escape their confines. As such, birds are sought after almost as religious treasures. Finally, having a bird around you will prepare you for your inevitable brush with one of the deadliest diseases on the planet. Believed to kill roughly one third of the population every day, Salmonella is a risk to any who travel openly during the day. Contract it from a bird as a child for increased immunity later in life.
[Note: under no circumstances should a companion bird be consumed for food. Urban zealots will skin you to steal the 'magical power' you absorb from the bird.]

2) Avoid office buildings if possible. Though usually benign, office buildings in most countries have roughly a one-in-twenty chance to house the department of sales for a pornographic magazine company, according to a recent survey by the Canadian Commonwealth's Interest Investigative Board. If you observe one of these buildings, even by accident, the United Nation's Secret Police is required by international law to arrest all employees for indecent exposure. The CCIIB estimates that as many as five hundred tourists a year are targeted by pornography companies as acts of revenge after they accidentally caused the entire working staff at any given branch to be arrested. In one of several follow-up investigations, the CCIIB found that the most successful preventative measure was opaque sunglasses. Results indicated that the efficacy of this safeguard was limited only by test subjects' willpower, e.g. whether or not the obstructive glasses were deliberately removed.

3) Always carry identifying documents on your person. At any given time, police officers or or their canine assistants may ask to see your papers. Though it is not a crime to travel without them, authorities are legally required to hold you in the local penitentiary (away from legitimate inmates, who may otherwise act as a negative influence for you) until a loved one brings the papers to you. In the event that you cannot reach a loved one or you have no loved ones who are able to deliver your documents, you may apply to be temporarily issued the credentials of a recently deceased citizen. Even in the case that your papers are easily accessible, e.g. if they are in a desk across the room, you must be taken in. For this reason it is advised that you wear all official documents underneath a form-fitting undershirt or in a discrete pouch which never leaves your person. For a full list of all twenty three required documents, please check the International Commission for Civilian Regulation's website at http://www.ICCR.org/information/documents.php. Also, in the case of a fatal accident, it is very important that officials be able to notify your family as well as recover your identifications to lend to future detainees.
[Note: keep documents well hidden from the homeless. Though most respect only the authority of the bird god Aevaetyln, some are still aware of official policy.]

4) Travel light. So far, you should be carrying some type of waterfowl, opaque sunglasses, and no fewer than 23 documents at all times. Depending on the size of your bird, this could weigh anything from twenty to eighty pounds. It is recommended by the Boston CDC that you avoid carrying too much more than this - the recommended weight for all supplies for the average traveler was roughly sixty pounds. If additional items are needed, it is suggested that a new, smaller bird be chosen to make room for any other implements you may deem essential. Still, it should be kept in mind that 60 imperial pounds is the recommended maximum; weights below this threshold are encouraged. Ideally, to maximize chances of survival when pursued by scavenging dogs, the poor, or stray amputees, you should carry as little weight as possible. Forego all apparel aside from shoes, sunglasses, basic covering, and whatever holds your documents. Resources such as water and food are easily harvested from storm drain and closed-bottom waste receptacles. Any other tips to shave weight off your load should be shared in comments!

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6) Be aware of local vigilantes. Most would-be-heroes are willing to escort you if you feel threatened by circumstances. Especially prepared public aides will carry paperwork stolen from the deceased, which they will hand out to any in need. Though authorities can detect that you are using missing documents, often the identification will receive only a passing glance. The fraud will not be noticed until later, when the information is checked against the system, but by then you will already have had ample time to exit the immediate area. Some vigilantes will also carry numerous small birds to lend to those in need; (for example, if you have already had to trade your bird in exchange for mercy from the Cult of Aevaetyln) others will personally accompany you as protection, but in most cases this will be insufficient against the inhuman fervor of the urchins' zealotry. Most importantly, however, 'super heroes' are often well acquainted with local business and can direct you away from the adult magazines' offices. If you have already accidentally invoked the wrath of a pornography bigwig, some vigilantes can use their local connections to resolve the situation. If nothing else, any vigilante worth his or her salt will be able to offer you techniques to evade hired assassins, as the CCIIB's (admittedly sparse) information on these masked guardians indicates that most of them were forced onto the streets as a way to escape assassinations themselves.

There you have it, folks. Stay safe while you watch the 2014 Winter Sochi Olympic Games, and be sure to drink your Ovaltine!