AWKWARD ZOMBIE

I feel like crying right now. I feel like every time I try to stand, everything has to keep me from standing.

If I disappeared today, who would even care?

I think the school I'm student teaching at is thinking about giving me a job offer (folks in the administration keep talking to me about how great the district is and giving me feedback on how I'm doing, I feel like I'm being groomed). However I'm not sure if I would want to teach there or not, I'd really like to teach more "gifted and talented" kids; currently the teacher I'm with has a number of advanced kids but that's because he's a master teacher, and I'm guessing I wouldn't be that lucky my first year. This school is great, but it also has a lot of at-risk kids and being a disciplinarian is... just not my favorite thing. And the class sizes here can get pretty big and harder to manage. I really think I may be better off teaching at one of the private schools around, if only because the classes would be smaller.

HOWEVER this school district has a lot of support between teachers and staff, plus they're very structured and provide a super detailed curriculum that you can modify on your own or with other teachers on your grade level. Also my mentor teacher said that private schools pay their teachers less but i dont really care too much about that (unless it's totally unreasonable). Plus I've met a lot of folks at this school that have been really helpful while I learn how the whole teaching thing works.

I also don't know how honest and open I should be about this to the people I'm working with, just because I don't want to hurt my chances of getting a job there if I do end up deciding to work there. And I don't want to come across as "Oh I guess I'll settle for this job even though it's not what I wanted" even though that is sorta-kinda what I'm feeling at the moment. Really it depends on what jobs are actually out there. And I need to find time to actually update my resume. Shit, I have too much shit to worry about.

Tempted to try soylent. Looks alright.

I feel like not nearly enough emphasis is placed on the idea that avoiding punishment for being a shitty person is something that itself makes you exponentially more of a shitty person.
Stealing something is worth a slap, blocking that slap is worth 20

You know the swings at the playground? For the last sixteen years or so, I haven't been able to ride them, because I get motion sickness from them.

Also, right now I feel really weird, and not in a good way. A little nausea, some insomnia, a pinch of drowsiness, and my arms feel a little lighter than normal.

Also, for some reason, I want someone to snuggle with, me, but at the same time, I feel like I want to punch the face of anyone who would make any kind of semisexual advances towards me.

25?! 25, 7-15-4, 25?! (I have no explanation for why I just did that.)

EDIT: I would like to add that I like to eat cheese before going to sleep so I can have weird dreams. Also, I want to get two of those self inflating whoopee cushions and attach them to my feet in such a way that they'll function properly as I walk.

My older sister got arrested this morning for pill possession. I don't really care about that, I've known it would happen eventually for a while now. What does bother me though is that they took her infant child and the only way to keep him from going to a foster home is if I sign for him to say I'll take care of him (my mom can't sign because she works too much and can't reasonably say she could take care of him). So now my family expects me to sign for him, but I'm not going to. I'm 19, I didn't have a kid, and it shouldn't be my responsibility just because his mother is a fuck up. I've not grown attached to the child, and I don't really think the idea of him going to a foster home is that bad. I went when I was a child, and I still keep in touch with the man who took care of me while I was there. We're poor anyway and I think it'd be better for him.

So now the rest of my family is probably going to hate me, but I'm just not going to give up all my free time to become the guardian to a kid that isn't mine.

My family is fucked up.

I would agree that you're making the smart choice. It's been made clear that your house isn't exactly an ideal place for tiny babby. Also, if you feel like you're not ready/willing/equipped to be the guardian of a kid, you're probably right, and the kid should go somewhere that specifically wants to spend all hours parenting them (and has plenty of experience doing so).

Yea, my house definitely isn't the greatest for bringing up children. It was fine really when I was a child, but in recent years (mostly because of my older sister), it's become worse and worse. I babysat my little sister when she was an infant sometimes while my mom was at work, and I managed to not let her die, but I can't see myself being a full time guardian, and I think it's really rude/unfair for my family to expect it of me. I'm sure someday I'll have a kid or two, but I'm going to try and be prepared for it when I do and lead a life that won't lead to me having to depend on someone else watching them.

My older sister has progressively made worse and worse decisions despite us trying to get her to stop, but she just doesn't think anything is wrong. She got mad at me a few days ago when she told me she had been cutting back on her addiction (which is a lie based on how she looks recently) and all I said was "that's good" rather than praising her like the second coming of Jesus.

She also lied about having cancer in order to try and get pity from us and that's just a super shitty thing to do.

I vent on here too much, sorry about that. I don't like talking about personal things to my irl friends, and I gotta let it out somewhere.

'S cool, man. That's what this thread is here for.

reading some of my old posts instead of working on my fucking presentation on page swapping that i agreed to do because im an idiot

i miss the 09-12' years here when i got mad at the forum and did mod stuff and things weren't broken

shit sucks, it was fun then, some people were still here, things didnt feel so fractured, weirdly depressed

get ye flask

help i'm trapped in a forum post factory

dont fear my dark I'll shit a post and all will be as it was

I hate trying to make posts in introduction threads. I feel like a dick for not doing it, but... I can't think of anything to say. Nothing sounds right.

So, to everyone who joined after me... Meh, I got nuthin'.

I think up 'fan fictions' in my mind when going to bed.
I have all these stories that I just advance to myself and I find I get to sleep easier just imagining these worlds and stories instead of thinking of stuff that keeps you awake.

It's gotten to a point where even in the middle of the day I can just lie down and continue my stories to myself for an hour or more.

It's a pretty weird feeling to me, becoming engrossed in my own thoughts and just wanting to lie down and continue.

And yes by Fan fictions I mean I use characters from other sources in my dream worlds. :p
Recently it has mostly been a mix of Pokemon Mystery Dungeon, Pokkén and Touhou. Plus some ideas of my own.

I don't mind sharing a summary of what goes through my mind if anyone is interested that is. I'm not gonna bore anyone with it if there's no want. :p

It's not a cringy love story or whatever, it links to my last confession where I said I don't cry at stuff, I try to put characters I've grown to like in tough situations to try and get that sad feeling.

I think I'm a pathetic person and despite efforts to improve my life (getting a job, studying web development, exercising, and other things), I still have way too many moments where I just don't see the point in anything. I feel like I don't have enough free time to do anything, but really I have plenty of time, I'm just super shitty at using it. I'll sit down for an hour to study stuff and will only get about 20 minutes of studying out of it and the rest of the time will be used doing something unimportant (like making this post for example).

Even getting a job has felt pointless. The extra income causes my mom to get less food stamps, so I give her part of my check to make up for that, plus pay my share of the utilities, and then the rest of my check goes toward my debt, so it feels like I'm working for free. At least I like my job somewhat I guess.

But, things should be a lot better in a couple years. I just have to hold out until then.