AWKWARD ZOMBIE

I'm sort of mixed on the whole thing.

One doesn't want one to forget someone's flaws in the rush after their death to remember them well. But you don't want to overemphasize it and paint them as a much worse person than they are.

Also unless they murdered someone or something like that right after their death is about the only time they'll be relevant. Is huge complex mess of respect but not wanting to let people get away with things.

Last day of the last real holidays I'll have for the next 40 years or so. Feeling meh.

I remember what Syobon told me and I did try to make the most of it and I think it turned out way better then I would have expected it to be. I got invited to 2 parties with friends, which in itself is as many parties as I had had in the previous 10 years, but the most noteworthy thing for me was that everyone there was actually super nice and welcoming and pleasant and it's making it more obvious that I need to get rid of the "everyone I meet will try to bully/belittle me" mindset I've had since high school. Also there was the party my major organized and to which they really wanted me to go and I was voted the best programmer by my peers and most helpful student by my teachers and it's nice to feel both wanted and appreciated because I normally think I'm a nuisance to everybody.
I also drove to towns one hour away to go to the first party and again just yesterday to attend a concert by my favorite band (it was amazing) so I guess I can drive places without dying and maybe I'm not completely non-functional an adult after all.
One of my friends from the first party has now left for an internship in a foreign country. I have to go on an internship too come March and a company whose office is very close to the apartment he shares with another friend has put up an offer. At the second party I asked if he had anything planned with his bedroom while he was away and he didn't. I asked if they'd consider letting me sub-rent it for my own internship and they acted like I could move in any time and everything is cool. I kind of want to go with it but I have doubts. Being in a different environment would probably be nice but I'm also sure it would cause me a lot of stress. I think it's time I challenge myself a bit (I haven't really cooked or done anything by myself since my catastrophic attempts at university in 2012/2013), but I don't want to screw up my internship by having another breakdown if it's too much for me to bear. Also, the internship is expected to turn into a full-time job if I do well, and I don't know if I want to live in that city. I could turn down the job but I'd have to look for another one and that scares me even more.

I put off all my homework including extra snow day stuff until today and now I'm rationing what I can and can't get done before tomorrow and what's likely to be checked.

I cannot get any work done unless there's some sort of close deadline or underlying motivation. Just can't.

I once stepped on a Lego™ car window. More specifically, I leaped off of my bed when I was five and landed heel-first on it.

I survived, somehow, but there was a lot of bleeding.

I still have the slightest white scar on the bottom of my foot.

I stepped on a pencil a while ago and I think I got most of it out, but there's still a little black spot on the bottom of my foot.

It'll probably be like that for a long time. Someone jabbed me with a pencil in the 6th grade (7 years ago) and I still have the black spot from it. I thought it was a bit of graphite so a couple years back I tried digging it out with a knife, but it was just a colored spot I suppose and all I accomplished was giving myself a scar. It's a lot less visible now though, so I think it's starting to go away.

likely it's the graphite particles that rubbed off on your skin inside. it'll probably be dark for a long time but not really a big deal.

Having some problems right now, but they're relatively time-related, and if everything goes right then within the year I shouldn't have them anymore. I'm split between maybe trying to solve them or at least feel better about them, which is the harder option with more potential to feel worse/fuck something up, or just hunker down for a few months and live through it on my own.

Also I sort of expect to succeed in everything I do. Which is disproven relatively frequently, but next time I still expect it to work out in some way.

I expect success even when a failure is obvious, myself. Optimism!

Yeah, I figured as much. for a while I thought some of the tip snapped off inside, but it doesn't hurt or anything, so???

I feel like an incredibly boring person. I don't really have that many interesting stories or hobbies or anything and I feel like I rarely have anything relevant or worthwhile on my mind.

I often feel that way as well, but everyone always tries to reassure me otherwise.

I guess the way we view ourselves is so comparatively mundane in our own minds that we neglect to think of it as anything but.


I am jealous of your collection of videogame-inspired merchandise, as an example, but maybe you wouldn't give it too much of a thought as you probably look at those items every day. (Hylian Shiiield)

Obviously you're here on AZ so you can count vidjagames as a hobby, Marcy. And you're still into music, right? I dunno if you've played anything recently but even just knowing how to read and play music is something that sticks with you, even if you just over-analyze songs on the radio (which I still do all the time)

Also, it's never too late to pick up something new. I know I have a lot of random things I'd like to try that are on my "I'll do them someday when I sort of have a stable life" list. Like, learn to play that ukulele a friend got me for my birthday...

To clarify, that shield is my roommate's, haha. I do have a few things though.

Also I wanted to start taking up dance, but I'd also feel pretty uncomfortable doing that right now before my transition.

Dispose of the roommate and no one will have to know.