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I feel like a shitty human being. Okay, so when I was a kid, I went to foster care because my dad was abusive. The man who took care of me there was nice and so I continued visiting him from time to time after my mom got me back. It got to the point where I looked to him as my father figure and a lot of my fondest memories of my childhood are from visiting him. But now that I've grown up, I realize that he's not that great of a guy. He's an alcoholic, he's racist, he cheated on his ex-wife, and he's super conservative. One time when I visited him, I was dating a girl at the time and he told me that while I'm there I should try to hook up with his neighbor's daughter. When I told him I was dating someone, he told me "when the cat's away, the mouse will play." And that really kinda irritated me.
Anyway, to get to the point, he had a heart attack about 7 years ago (which I later found out was due to a meth overdose. He's off hardcore drugs now, but he still drinks and smokes pot), and yesterday he called me saying that his defibrillator is messing up and that he legitimately feels like he could die any day now because his heart beat is funny. He wants me to try and visit him, but honestly I don't want to. I keep trying to tell myself that the reason I don't want to is because I have college taking up a lot of my time right now, but really I just don't want to go. It makes me feel like a shitty person that I can't even dig up enough compassion to care about this man who cared about me even though I wasn't even his real kid.
I don't know what to do. Even if I did want to visit him, I really can't because of college, but the fact that I just don't want to visit him makes me feel like I screwed up somewhere along the way on basic human compassion.
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[Citation Needed] wrote: I am the most least quotable person.
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