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Riku
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 4:40 am 
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Merlin wrote:
RikuKyuutu wrote:
“Relax, princess,” I shout an impatient assurance. “We c--”


First thing I saw.


Is that a bad thing?
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Superior Bacon
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 4:40 am 
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riku brain not good, i will read and critique later

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[5:06:23 PM] Yeili: this is kind of cool, i've beaten a murderer in mario party.

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Riku
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 4:43 am 
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Go to sleep, Bacon. It's a quarter to 2am.
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Myk
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 4:45 am 
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Spoony wrote:
Chester took that one little step out into the void, and hoped that wherever he was going, Rodney was coming with him.


;_;

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MYK, M.D.

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Superior Bacon
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 4:45 am 
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pah sleep

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[5:06:23 PM] Yeili: this is kind of cool, i've beaten a murderer in mario party.

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Riku
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 4:47 am 
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Whatever floats your boat, I guess.
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Merlin
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 4:53 am 
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Location: Nothing but crumpled porno and Ayn Rand.
Dick Juicer wrote:
It was a barren room that at first glance seemed like an overlooked crime-scene. There were no photos. A pile of newspapers dating back one year dominated a corner, and in another was a broken black-and-white television. After poking through the newspapers with the tip of his rifle, Chester meekly snuck over some discarded books toward the centre of the room.


How about:
The room was barren. At first glance, it appeared as an undiscovered crime scene. There were no photos on the walls. Old newspapers, dating back a a year, dominated a corner. A broken, black and white television sat in another. After poking through the newspapers with the tip of his rifle, Chester crept across the room, stepping on discarded books and stopping in the center..

Plus, the word is sneaked. It sounds stupid but snuck isn't a word.
Just, uh, I guess stay away from the passive.
I am too nitpicky for proofreading, that's why I don't write.

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Spoony
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 4:58 am 
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Scrotum Licker wrote:
How about:
The room was barren. At first glance, it appeared as an undiscovered crime scene. There were no photos on the walls. Old newspapers, dating back a a year, dominated a corner. A broken, black and white television sat in another. After poking through the newspapers with the tip of his rifle, Chester crept across the room, stepping on discarded books and stopping in the center..

Plus, the word is sneaked. It sounds stupid but snuck isn't a word.
Just, uh, I guess stay away from the passive.
I am too nitpicky for proofreading, that's why I don't write.
Yeah, I guess that works better. Not really planning on doing anything more with the piece though, so you'll excuse me if it sits ignored at the bottom of my porn folder (where all musings should go.)
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Merlin
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 5:04 am 
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Yeah I kept that mind.

C:\Documents and Settings\Spoony\My Documents\NOT PORN DON'T LOOK IN HERE

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Spoony
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 5:06 am 
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C:\Documents and Settings\Spoony\My Documents\SUPER HOT TRIPLE-DICKED SHEMALE ACTION (ALSO FICTION)
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Merlin
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 5:07 am 
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Fiction, you say?

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Superior Bacon
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 5:07 am 
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if you had three dicks would you pass out if you got an erection

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[5:06:23 PM] Yeili: this is kind of cool, i've beaten a murderer in mario party.

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Firestorm
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 5:08 am 
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Bacon wrote:
if you had three dicks would you pass out if you got an erection
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Merlin
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 5:08 am 
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Location: Nothing but crumpled porno and Ayn Rand.
MORE LIKE FRICTION.

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Spoony
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 5:10 am 
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Dream Crusher wrote:
if you had three dicks would you pass out if you got an erection
KILL MY SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF WHY DON'T YOU.

Merlin wrote:
MORE LIKE FRICTION.
Dohohohohohohohohoho


Last edited by Spoony on Sun Jan 24, 2010 5:10 am, edited 1 time in total.

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