These last two weeks I have ventured forth into the vast Northern wilds also identified as THE CANADA. I report back to you now of the marvels I have seen there and the adventures that there are to be had. I was accompanied on my forray by the Willow Witch, who claims to be of some Canadian descent, which is however nothing but lies, as I have come to the conclusion that true Canadians don't exist. They all have to come from somewhere, be it the frigid wastes of Russia (which may or may not be a purely fictional place) or pure and magnificent Europe.
I show you
myself and also
my noble guide, for posterity's sake.
Here you may try to discern a house that these "Canadians" sometimes live in.
"But Terraem," you will say, "that's mostly trees and bushes." By which you have shown to me that you seem to get the gist of it.
Under this link you will find a (somewhat grainy) picture of the so called "Canadian breakfast" I enjoyed in this house. You may notice the piece if pie included there. I can only conclude that these beautiful people are close to ascending to godhood.
However, to tempt the wicked among them they also offer
these foodstuffs.
Rarely have I encountered such a wicked amount of wealth and as such I felt compelled to quickly flee from that place, throwing some coins at the people valiantly defending the cash register to compensate for the peanut M&Ms which had snuck their way into my bag. I consumed them whilst watching Pacific Rim (twice) and Monsters University, as it only seemed fitting.
During my mad flight, I spent some time wandering the indigenous bookstores, where I spent quite some time reading comics without giving anyone cheddar. Apparently, instead of beating you across the head and telling you it's not a library, it is Canadian custom to ask if you need anything and, if not, apologize while quickly scampering away. Truly amazing behavior on their part, I say. I have made a picture of something I believe to be what passes for
classic CANADIAN literature.Look also here my fellows:
"Whatever is that?" you might ask me.
That is what they call a Detroit, which is not in Canada at all, but right across the waters of Windsor in something the call the USA. Would that is was clean enough to spit upon.
While I was there, some brave adventurer, inspired by the copious consummation of alcohol beverages, actually tried to swim across and was chased down by a helicopter for his troubles. Madness, I tell you.
I was very glad to have a chance to spot the
rare phenomenon known as "Girl".
Majestic creatures indeed.
For a while I tried communicating with them and to show them my intentions were friendly. In exchange they offered me the foodstuff known as
poutine,
as shown here.
I still do not dare say if this was reward or condemnation.
Of course, during my travels I felt compelled to also stay for some time in the mountains. For this purpose, I temporarily housed myself in what is known as a "cabin", but would be better described as
"fuckhuge house in the middle of the mountains with a private lake, in which much swimming pleasure was had".
Be warned however, for it's
vile companion and neighbour.
I can only assume ghosts and monsters dwell therein.
After this, I wandered for quite some time along a
Mountain Path, on which I encountered the rare breed known to most as
DOGE. I believe to have
made some form of friendship with the beast.
Also,
water actually comes down the mountain. Amazing, I know. In any civilized place it would simply drop from the sky instead.
To see if I could not encounter some more TRUE CANADIAN WILDLIFE, I
totally went in here. Yes, I did. Inside I found this
terrifying creature, lurking on the very walls,
which were silvery in nature. I can tell you that would freak most people right the fuck out, but not I!
Sadly, I could discover no trace of the great creature commonly known as BEAR. Thus,
we simply made some of our own, which must surely count.
Some more interesting observations about Canada:
- Not everyone actually has much of an accent, but the ones who do are great;
- Only in American restaurants are the serving staff ridiculously over-the-top nice. In Canadian restaurants they act pretty normal;
- Tim Horton's kind of sucks at making chai lattés;
- Willow's mom might just be the best cook ever, also the friendliest;
- Willow has a
Stare of Doom (crit 19-20, x3);
- I endeavor to steal all of Teavana's tea-making secrets.
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