AWKWARD ZOMBIE

... I have a staff in my hand. I feel power.

Take magical stance #203 (Phase out except staff) and blow staff up with a mighty firey explosion (Sticks do not take well to high level fire spells) to warm up magical muscles, then enter the FireDragon Techniques (melee hand techniques augmented with demon-fire), taught by Omnifistus Calusmiar, Oni Majordomo of the Fifth Circle. Guards, as well as room should be slightly melted by end of exercise, not well done at all.

Surrender.

Bluff by pretending you could take them all out easily with that staff

Immediately, you ready yourself for some high-quality lying. You quickly yell out that everything is fine, because you work there. You are simply new, and wondering where the barracks are if that's okay.

The guards do not seem amused. You suppose that your prison clothes and bleeding face gave you away. Instead, you switch to planB. You wave the staff as menacingly as you believe it possible to wave a stick and threaten to destroy them all. Oddly enough, the guards seem to hesitate for a moment.

They all stand still, and stare you down. Suddednly, one raises his arm and points.

"He's bluffing. He's holding the staff wrong."

"You sure?" Another asks.

He nods. "Definitely. Besides, we wiped his mind. Capture him. Try not to case too much permanent damage."

The guards again start advancing. Things are not looking good for you!



You have no idea how to cast a spell, or even how magic works, but you figure you might as well give it a shot since you have a staff and all. You point it towards the guards and attempt to channel your magical energy. Assuming you have any, anyway. Like you said, you aren't sure if that's how magic work.

At first, nothing happens. You wonder if you need to use magic words or something. Or maybe a... mana... potion? You aren't sure if those are a thing in this particular fictional universe. Or even if mana itself is a thing. You decide not to think about it too much, as this is all getting little too meta for your taste.

Suddenly, just as you start to focus again, a tiny spark jumps from the end of the staff. It is small, and barely noticeable. However, the guards seem to be taken aback all the same. Now's your chance!





With as much speed as you can muster (which, you sadly discover, is not very much), you leap up to one of the tables and begin running across the room, past the flabbergasted guards. Will you do so, you reach down and grab some food. You end up getting some kind of... potato thing? It's round and gray but it also has some orange spots. And also a leaf.

Prison food is weird.



You make it to the ladder, and begin hauling yourself up it. It's harder than you expected, as your stength still has not fully recovered. The guards have overcome the surprise of seeing you cast a very (VERY) minor spell, and are again on your tail. The ladder leads up to an open trapdoor. As you reach the top, you turn and close it. You quickly glance around the room and spot a nearby desk, which you push onto the trapdoor, sealing it shut.

You stand, and breath a sigh of relief. Looks like you managed to outsmart them. You take a quick look around your current room. Above you, there are some thick ropes that seem to go through the wall. In front of you is a large, glass window. And behind you is...

an army of guards standing in a hallway, all looking in your direction, with their weapons drawn.

Shit.

The guards start charging forward. There's not time to think! With no other apparent options, you swing your staff towards the window, shattering it. You begin climbing out, and look down, quickly trying to guage what floor you are on.

The good news is you only seem to be on the second or third floor.

The bad news is, rather than ground, there seem to be nothing but clouds below the fortress.

You glance behind you again. The guards are starting to get very close! Panicking, you look around outside for anything that could help your current situation. Just above you, you notice, is a thick rope, pulled tight and leading down below the clouds and a fairly steep angle. You quickly heave your staff over this rope, and grab both ends as tightly as you can. Just as a guard reaches forward to grab you, you leap from the window, sliding down the rope at an alarming speed.

"He's getting away! Someone get me a sword so I cancut the daisies rope!"

You begin to descend through the clouds. You can no longer see the floating fortress behind you, but you are too focused on holding on to the staff and not falling to your death anyway. The ground begins to become clear. Hundreds, perhaps thousands, of feet below is a sprawling, grand city. Airships and smoke fills the air, and people and carriages seem to crowd the street.

This tale is a tale of many things. It is a tale of justice and redemption, and of lies and truth

The city grows closer with every second. Your hands and fingers begin to hurt from the exertion.

It is a tale of magic, mayham, and pigs. A tale of death, deceit, and dinosaurs. A tale of the end of all worlds, and the beginning of some. Of corrupt adminstrations, powerful artifacts, and a spell that turns bears into hats.

Suddenly, you notice that you are descending much more rapidly. You cautiously glance behind you only to see that the other end of the rope has been cut.

It is a story of particularly untrustworthy crocodiles, seedy salesmen, amnesiac spellcasters, and a ghost by the name of Jim. Of cluttered inventorys, unnatural augmentations, and a transforming mafia. Of trans-demensional travel, of fire and thunder, of helpful orcs and unhelpful butlers, and a goat whose only motivation is vengeance

Your descent has sped up. You are no longer being supported by the rope. The ground is approaching with alarming speed. You hold the staff in front of your face.

But, above all else, it is the tale of one unusually and particularly troublesome wizard

You start to make contact with someone's roof, and then everything goes black.

END OF PROLOGUE

Wake up Zelda style

Cautiously open your eyes, and hope you don't see dungeon walls.

> feel something warm and moist on your face