AWKWARD ZOMBIE

when my mum was 5 months pregnant she was driving to work to hand in her maternity leave slip and a huge truck crashed into her (and then tried to drive off)

(please don't start an argument whether i was alive or not at 5 months. Maybe it explains something lol)

I ate peanuts and had an allergy attack, asthma attacks, all that fun genetic stuff.

My intestines started collapsing when I was in Kindergarten. It sounds like it might be intussusception, which is a telescopic collapsing of the intestines, but I think they also somehow came loose from their position in the body cavity or something. Had to undergo serious surgery and they had to put me under full anesthesia to the point where I passed out. I remember that I couldn't eat for a day or two beforehand, because it would give me a stomachache that bodaciously made me cry it was so bad. Got a scar out of it.

About a week before school let out, I was on my way to the highschool, stopped at a four way intersection redlight.

A huge booty truck on my left blocked my view of the street, I didn't think much of it. Noticed the light had turned green, but the truck still wasn't moving. I wasn't sure if the driver hadn't noticed the light or if he saw something i didnt.

I inched up a little so i could see past him, and right as I got to where i could see a truck ran the light going bout 40, on my side.

life didn't flash before my eyes or anything, more like the aftermath of death flashed before my eyes. cars stopped, sirens, police, ambulance, my mother showing up..

daisies, that scared me

I think ive only had one,
I was 11 or 12 or some shit like that and was swimming with a friend at the military base pool (Dont ask me why there was one but It was at the base).There were a lot of randompool toys including these giant and REALLY heavy mats that just kinda floated ont he water so you could like sit ont hem and relax. My friend and I were sitting on a yellow one and he decided to slide off it slowly.

It flipped the mat and me along with it.The mat smashed me over the head and kept me under for about a minute and a half. I think his mom pulled me out. But im not really sure. haha my memory of that is a bit fuzzy. haha I think my problem was that I couldt find the edge of the mat to push/pull it off. hahaha

but yeah. nearly drowned.

When I was around 13, my church group had a car wash to sponsor a trip to a Youth concert or some such. Anyways, it was a Texas summer of 100 in the shade and I was out by the intersection holding the sign and frantically waving my arms like an idiot, 'cause, hey, that's what you do to attract customers. And about halfway through my shift there was a popping sound in my head and my fingers and toes went a little numb, followed by the other limbs. My feet began to freeze, while the inside of my head felt like it had a case of sunburn. I didn't have a water bottle on hand, so I slowly and carefully attempted to just turn around and make my way back to the group. The only problem with that being there was about an eight feet deep storm drain, (for those pesky summer floods, you know?) Nowadays, they have them grated off with those friggin' huge pipes, but that was only now just under way where I was. Well, I'm trying to keep my balance because I no longer feel my legs and I'm feeling this tremendous stinging pain behind my eyes before spots started showing up in my vision, followed by the greying around the edges, which then was followed by a complete black out just as I was nearing the giant ditch that was more concrete and sprinkler drain-off than anything. I still don't know how I made it over, 'cause the next thing I remember, I'm in a chair with a water bottle in my hand and my vision starting to come back. No paramedics, no "let's take you home", nothing except an occasional worried glance in my direction and a "You doin' okay?" from the Youth Leader. Took an hour for me to stop feeling that sunburn sensation in my brain, but that was what lasted the longest. I'm still surprised to this day I didn't go booty over tea-kettle while everyone else was on the other side of the Long John Silver's trying to clean the mud (dirt-cake) off some dude's Crown Vic.

My truck exploded a-la-Michael Bay five minutes after I got out of it. Had to call the fire department and everything.

My father once almost hit me with that same truck about ten years before it exploded.

Some dumbass kid (same one who shoved me face-first into a pole a year later) almost killed me in the pool by sneaking up behind me on the diving board and smacking me hard enough in the side of the head that I cracked my skull on the side of the pool. Almost drowned. Lifeguard was fired, kid was banned.

I once started choking in a restaurant and everyone thought I was joking until I started to turn different colors. I woke up and everyone was all "OMG ARE YOU OKAY?"

I guess since I have 5 on my near-death counter I am pretty obliged to post here :T

Let's see.

1. One time I almost drowned in an adult pool when I was like 3 or something, I actually sank to the bottom but my aunt saved me.

2. Another time me and my dad and mom were camping, and there was a really steep hill that I was hiking on. Slipped, went fucking tumbling down looking like a god daisies idiot, hitting parts of my body (including my head) on fucking rocks. Gashed my arm all the way up the length of it.

3.Me and my friend Matt were camping, Matt was like "Hey let's go sleep out on that island in the middle of the lake while my dad stays here in his warm dry tent and let's also not take the lantern!". Two hours later, SUDDENLY LIGHTNINGSTORMS, PITCH BLACK DARKNESS, AND POURING RAIN. Nearly fucking drowned because I slipped on a log connecting the island to the mainland because I was running back to the tent with him and he didn't hear over the rain and thunder.

4. Was hiking some pretty steep terrain with Matt, which was already a bad idea because i'm overweight as shit. Basically rock-climbing at this point, slipped, barely managed to keep my grasp so I didn't plummet to the ground like 30 feet below (not really sure because I'm bad at measurement but it was pretty high up)

5. Was on the lake with Matt and my dad, chillaxin in my driver's chair while those two did some fishing. Suddenly dad yells "FUCK THERE IS WATER IN THE BOAT!". So I kind of flipped out and started trying to drive the boat forward. CLANG. Dad: "WE RAN OVER THE FUCKING ANCHOR." God damnit. Matt cut the stupid rope connecting the anchor to the boat, I try to start it again. It doesn't, but I keep turning that key like a madman. KEY FUCKING BREAKS. I alert my crew. Then we all just kind of realized how utterly fucked we were and sat there in silence for like ten seconds before jumping to action. I started trying to bail the water out and Matt and dad start trying to row to shore, but the wind and water are pushing us away faster than they can get us closer, so everyone just starts bailing to buy us time while we wait for someone to drive by and help. Did you guys know that air horns get really cold when you blow them for a bit? Because I found out when someone drove by and I started blowing that motherfucker like a madman. They turned around and offered to tow us back to the harbor. When we got there, Matt realized that both ends of the rope (i.e. the end connected to the anchor, and the end connected to the boat (after cutting)) were visible. So he deducted that the ANCHOR WAS STILL LODGED IN THE FUCKING BOAT. Luckily it wasn't, exactly. The chain was tangled in the propeller though. Everyone at the harbor just kind of stared at us like we were idiots. Because as it turns out, I forgot to put the plug into the bottom of the boat. :T

Haha, good times.

Not really near-death, but could've ended worse I suppose.

I was snowboarding and was leading my friends towards a piste we hadn't found before. To reach it you had to follow this flat narrow piste that was most likely just a road with snow on it, and then go off it somewhere, so it kind of looked like you had to go off-piste. I went off one corner too early though, and while my friends were like "lol where is he going" and continued in the other direction, I rounded a corner and managed to stop just before hitting a patch of bare fucking ground and falling down a rocky crevasse. So I had to drag myself and my snowboard 100m up a steep slope in shin-deep snow since there was no way to continue in that direction. At least I found a cool off-piste section near that.

Few times I've been nearly hit by a car. Once was when someone was pulling out of their driveway and I thought they were signaling for me to go ahead and walk past, but I was wrong. Another time my sister's friend dropped me off somewhere and I walked behind his car while getting out but apparently he wanted to drive backwards. Really fast. My sister's friends suck at driving. Another time even though I checked both ways before crossing, repeatedly, listening for cars even, one just appeared out of nowhere the very second I stepped onto the street. Another time I was just... walking on the sidewalk like normal when someone decided to drive way too daisies close to the curb.
And a few times I've almost drowned because my brother is an idiot.

Almost drowned when I was 3 in a river. The river was groggy and you couldn't see under the surface, so a relative just waded into it and searched for me without knowing exactly where I was.

Almost drowned in the pool because I thought I could be cool like my friend and decided to let go of the pool bank.

I tend to avoid deep water now.

When I was 6 months old, my family's car was hit head-on. The other driver had had a seizure and crossed the median on the highway, I believe. The impact killed my mom and severely injured my dad, who later had to have open-heart surgery. I was launched through the windshield and broke my right ankle, but that was the worst of my injuries. My brother escaped with a few cuts and bruises.
Had problems with my ankle ever since.
Sorry to be heavy.