AWKWARD ZOMBIE

>Two meat cleavers, an extra shirt (to replace the one I'm going to inevitably rip off), my best pair of stompin boots, and a sack of ingredients for gramma's famous daisies Awesome Cookies. Just in case, you know.

Okay, before you go any further, that yellow text is just unbearable.

(duly noted! I actually tried a ton of different ones, but I don't really have an eye for colors. Always feel free to tell me when something looks terrible, people)

Gavan followed the Sprixite's orders and at once began wandering around his room, backpack in hand, collecting things. He figured first he'd start with the most absolute necessary things: two meat cleavers lying around all willy-nilly on his desk. As soon as he reached out to touch the blades, he found that they had transformed into compact, card-like representations of themselves! At once, the cards shot into Gavan's inventory screen and he stood with a look of shock.

"Sure, why not..."

The cleavers were of MODERATE QUALITY, and Gavan had to wonder where exactly his most prized and signature cutting utensil had gotten off to...No matter, time was of the essence! He quickly gathered some more items, including the necessary clothes and baking supplies that seemed pertinent for a journey into the woods. He then also grabbed his laptop from the desk, because really you never know.

INVENTORY: MEDIOCRE MEAT CLEAVERS (x2), TEE-SHIRT, STOMPIN' BOOTS, LAPTOP, daisies AWESOME COOKIE INGREDIENTS [FLOUR, COOKIE MIX, SUGAR, CHOCOLATE, BUTTER, BACON BITS]

Gavan noticed that when he grabbed items of the same kind, they would all fly under the same space in his inventory and only take up one space! He wondered how much of each item could be fit into a square, and if there was ANY LIMIT AT ALL!! He also noticed that his GRAMMA's prized cookie recipe was split up into several sub-items as well. NEAT!

He then went over to meet the cheeky Sprixite, who instantly flew over to the opening in his wall. It appeared a dim, forested path led out of his ruined abode.

"okay well if you have everything, then follow me! if not, then keep gathering your silly human things and hurry up!! TRIAL FOREST awaits!"

>We done here?

Grey's a pain to read. Just use blue or something.

Well after the Sprixite got some much-needed adjustment, it was time for Gavan to follow the little ball of light's instructions. He hoisted his backpack around and prepared to tackle whatever crazy dream he was having HEAD-ON! He approached the Sprixite at the edge of his room; it fluttered around and then zipped into the forest without a backward...glance? Gavan followed!

~ TRIAL FOREST ~

Surrounded on all sides by trees of incredible heights, Gavan took one final look back at his room before hurrying off after his guide at a brisk jog. The forest grew increasingly dark as he traveled--only a few narrow shafts of golden light were able to break through the heavy canopy that loomed overhead. There was an assortment of boulders and mushrooms through the woods, but Gavan wasn't feeling to sure about deviating from the path laid out before him. Man, it sure was a long road, but even at his current pace he didn't feel tired at all!

The lengthy and kind of boring path gave him time to let his mind wander. If this was really a dream it was all pretty surreal so far; Gavan had never felt this involved in one of his dreams. He had never been able to feel the dream-ground beneath his feet or the dream-breeze on his face. And it was almost as if he'd step off the path and reach out for one of those dream-apples, he could probably taste it...

"watch out!"

Lost in thought, Gavan didn't even notice when his Sprixite pal had rounded a really tight corner. The path gave way into a sharp decline and Gavan felt himself get caught up in his own momentum, running faster and faster and faster, right towards a huge ravine! The path stopped just short of the huge gap and resumed on the other side. A few ropes hung from the adjacent sides of the ravine, as if someone had wrecked up a rope bridge that had once stood there. Oh man, what was he going to do?!

>What are you going to do?!

>Put your determined face on, run faster to gather up speed, and take a mighty, manly leap to try and cross the ravine, grabbing onto the rope if needed. If the ravine is too wide, swan dive into the nearest body of water instead of leaping. Or into the trees if there is no water.

Yes, you'll do that. Exactly that!

"CANADAAAAAAAAA!!" Gavan released the battlecry as the most manly yell possible and immediately began to increase his speed. He would cross this ravine on pure Norris manpower!

His footsteps plowed against the ground with intense fury as his running speed increased. And then, the moment of truth: Gavan pushed off of the ground with all of his might. He sailed through the air and across the ravine, feet still moving in slow circles as he all but refused to stop sprinting, even while airbound. The jump gave him some surprising height and distance, but would it be enough to cross? As he reached the apex of the jump, Gavan stretched his body out in an attempt to give himself the most grabbing surface area imaginable!

Down he quickly fell, towards the far end of the ravine, but it seemed as though he would be short. Looking down to see nothing but jagged rock spires at the bottom of the deep pit, he frantically groped forwards in an attempt to grab something. Seconds later, his hands made contact with thick, pliable rope. Uttering a little prayer to the indefatigable spirit of manliness, he sturdied his dual grip on the rope and began shimmying to the top of the ravine.

*Gained 5 Man Points!
*Testostometer increases! You are now GNARLY!

Standing confidently at the other end of the ravine, Gavan flexed his bulging biceps as was custom to his people when besting an obstacle.

"good job! you may have noticed that your status as a PLAYER means that you have heightened abilities in this world! otherwise you would have fallen and been skewered, hee hee!"

Gavan naturally ignored his sassy sprixite companion and hurriedly continued down the path. After a few minutes he spied two brown wooden treasure chests, each residing in an alcove opposite the path.

>What do you do?!

(oh cool okay we're still doing this)

You decide to crack open the chest on your right like some kind of prime oyster.

Gavan ran off to the rightmost alcove and stood in front of the chest. He kicked the stumpy wooden box right near its crude lock and the container popped open like no one had even locked it. The new player wondered why this happened so frequently in video games: if the chests were never locked, then why put items in there in the first place? Anyways, as the top of the treasure box creaked open, Gavan was greeted with yet another menu screen:

Obtained: 10 QUOINS



A bunch of gold coins with little Qs on them immediately jumped from the chest and into his inventory screen, taking up a previously empty block of space near a picture of himself.

"Cool," He said. "So these are like cheddar?"

"yes exactly like cheddar!" The sprixite chirped. "they will come in handy! now come on we still have to hurry to get your--"

"Yeah yeah I know, my special item...or no, sorry, my SPECIAL ITEM," Gavan commented sarcastically.

"very good sir gavan! you don't want to be the last of your friends to obtain it, do you? hee-hee-hee!"

The sprixite immediately flew back over to the main path and proceeded down the trail. With a sigh, Gavan quickly followed. He also noticed that the treasure chest that had been in the other alcove had strangely disappeared! Whatever! As he followed the annoying fairy down the path, the forest seemed to be getting a little bit darker. Whether it was due to the sun slowly setting or denser trees was impossible to determine. Eventually, the duo came upon a fork in the road.

"okay well sir gavan which way should we go?"

>Take the WEST PATH or proceed down the EAST PATH?

Yeah you take the EAST PATH, which was clearly the best choice!

No sooner did Gavan and his sprixite set foot on the splintered path did a strange barrier form behind him. In seconds, a great wall of black bricks had materialized, completely barring him from making any sort of backwards progress.

"Whoa," The player commented, patting on the barricade and finding it very solid. "Hey Sprixite, was this the right way? Not feeling to good about this...."

"hee hee! i'm sure it's the path we're meant to follow! come on!" And just like that, it again flew ahead.

Man, this was useless! Gavan followed again, but he was growing even more TICKED OFF by the second. His TESTOSTOMETER was fluctuating wildly! No matter what he asked the stupid Sprixite, his questions were no closer to being answered. Where was he? Was this all a dream? Who were the "friends" here? And what exactly was his Special Item? These were the kind of questions that needed to be asked immediately without any kind of build-up or mystery, dammit!

The ground below his feet began to slope downwards once again, and Gavan immediately felt suspicious. he had grown wary of the aptly-named Trial Forest. There was no way that this wasn't another weird sort of trap or test.

"come on! sir gavan hurry up, i see a transporter down this hill!" Squeaked the ever-helpful sprixite.

"..A what?" Gavan repeated. He strained his eyes and saw what appeared to be a circular gray panel at the bottom of the hill. There seemed to be some kind of weird symbol on it. "...Oh man, that totally looks like something important!"

Emboldened by the prospect of examining something so obviously important, Gavan quickened his pace and ran down the hill towards the "transporter." However, no sooner did this happen than a strange effect seized the ground beneath him: the entire hill became a grid-like series of lines, and what was once a grassy path was now gritty, churning sand. Gavan's feet lost traction as he took a forward tumble. This proceeded to shift the newly-formed hill of sand, causing sediment to cascade down from above. Trees were knocked down all around him as Gavan sputtered for air, almost being pulled under the shifting sands as he lost view of both his sprixite guide and the transporter.

>what do?

>Composure: regained

Instead of panicking like some silly little PANSY, Gavan kept his head clear and focused on getting out of this really random and dangerous situation. Channeling all of his MAN POWER into his arms, gavan swam through the swirling mass of sand to the nearest tree that had been knocked into the churching sediment. He strained upwards and got a grip on the uprooted tree's bark, and hefted himself up using some gratuitous manergy.

*Drained one Man Point
*TESTOSTOMETER slightly emptied. You are now SUB-GNARLY!

"Oh man I lost one of...those things," The rowdy canadian commented offhandedly, wobbling a bit as he stood up on the tree. "Hey Sprixite! SPRIX! Where you at?!"

"over here! hurry!!

Gavan whirled around to see his Sprixite frantically hovering over the strange circular slab. Sand had started flowing from underneath it, and the device had somehow been detached from the ground (if it had ever been fastened there in the first place?) and was now slowly sinking into the sand sea that had overtaken the area. The sprixite was just flipping the fuck out about this, and dove beneath the sand on hot pursuit of the transporter.

"Sprix, what are you DOING?!" He yelled, still atop the tree. "...Oh man, that thing must be really important! Alright, WAIT UP FOR ME! I'LL SAVE YOU SPRIXY!"

Without another thought, Gavan dove off of the tree and back into the churning miasma of sand. Moments later, the tree sunk as well, unable to stay buoyant as the area continued to fill up with vast volumes of sediment. Gavan swam as hard as he could, able to make out the Sprixite's glowing form beneath the surface. He took a huge breath and let the movement of the sand pull him under. Like a boss, he kept swimming down. The weight of the sand above him was intense, and there was no way he would be able to get out of here if this didn't work. Groping forward, he grabbed the spherical Sprixite with one hand, while the other made contact with the flat face of the transporter.

ZAP!

With a blast of pure white light, Gavan and his Sprixite companion vanished....



Gavan opened his eyes. He was on his backside in another forested grove. Feeling a blunt hardness on his back, he shifted around to see that he was laying on top of an identical transporter slab thing. He sat up and grumbled. Either he made it out of that sandy tomb alive or this was the lamest heaven ever. A faint, reddish light was glowing at the end of the only path ahead of him.

"hey! let me go we need to keep going come onnnnnnn!

"Oh oops," Gavan said. The sprixite was still clenched in his hand, its muffled voice trying to pierce through Gavan's manly grip. He released the annoying little fairy.

"come on slowpoke! your SPECIAL ITEM is right down here! follow me!"

>follow?

>Follow.

>Not like you had much say in the matter

Gavan stood up and sighed as the Sprixite did its usual "rush ahead and almost disappear but totally wait for me" thing. Maybe this Special Item, whatever it was, would give him the answers that he really needed. Taking a second to compose himself, Gavan noticed that all but one of his Man Points had been depleted. He was now HARDY. In addition to this, Gavan realized that his inventory had recently been blessed with some PILES OF SAND (x2), which probably fell in there somehow during his mad sand-swimming.

Anyways, guess it was time to follow this lame Sprixite to the next blatant death trap that the forest could offer. Seriously, he hoped that if there were other "players", he definitely wasn't the only one getting burdened with these INTENSE TRIALS. Everyone else probably just had to jump a few measly pits or wade through some stupid pond, but he had to contend with some crazy instantaneous sand tomb!

Gavan followed his floaty guide down the path. There were no holes, no spikes, nothing but the occasional light turn as he made his way towards this source of red light. It grew ever more intense as Gavan went down the path, eventually culminating in a bright flash of red light as he rounded a corner. Shielding his eyes and squinting forward, the light died down in a few seconds to reveal another mysterious fucking grove! Only standing right in the middle of this clearing was a large, red crystal spire. It was perfectly polished and cut to look like some kind of weird glowing obelisk, and was surrounded by much more smaller crystals. It was somewhat translucent and continually gave off a glow of scarlet energy.

"Yeah okay, so I guess this is my Special Item or whatever?" Gavan asked the sprixite bluntly, who was levitating near his shoulder.

"yes!well, your Special Item is inside of the crystal! it is your job to obtain it!"

"So I just CRACK THIS SUCKER OPEN?!" He inquired.

"i don't know! it's different for everyone! the session tests each player in a different way!"

"Well that's just a load of mysterious garbage!"

"hee hee hee!

>How do you get this sucker open?